The M3 Bearcast from Male Media Mind
The M3 Bearcast from Male Media Mind
Identity, Loss, and Love w/ Greg
Have you ever wondered how a public persona intertwines with the private intricacies of daily life? This week, my co-host Mr. Drayden and I, Malcolm Travers, peel back the curtain on the dichotomy of podcasting fame versus personal reality. We're taking you on a candid journey through the maze of online expression, the weight of ancestral history on our shoulders, and the sometimes humorous, sometimes complex, encounters that come with being recognized from our show.
Navigating the waters of sexual identity can be like trying to translate a language you've only just begun to learn; it's intricate and deeply personal. As I open up about my pansexuality, we discuss how such revelations ripple through family dynamics and shape our interactions with the world. The conversation takes a poignant turn as we extend sympathies for a community member's loss, a stark reminder of how events can pivot our pursuit of happiness. This episode is a tapestry of emotions, intertwining the light-hearted with the profound, acknowledging that our true selves are both the product and the storyteller of our experiences.
Wrapping up, we tackle the art of balancing compromise with assertiveness in our relationships. You'll find us challenging the notion of diminishing oneself for the comfort of others and advocating for personal wholeness over seeking completion from a partner. We're grateful for our listeners and invite you to join the community hub across platforms like Apple Music and Amazon Podcasts, or to get social with us by searching for Mail Media Mind. Special thanks to the street team for their accidental promotion – sometimes, the best support comes from the most unexpected places.
Hello, this is Malcolm Travers and welcome to the M3 Bearcast. I'm joined today by the talented Mr Drayden. What's going on, Greg?
Speaker 2:Hey buddy, what's happening?
Speaker 1:Not much. It's great to see you again on a Monday afternoon.
Speaker 2:I like these meetings on Mondays. Yeah, I was just telling my street team here that you know, listen, Mondays has quickly become my favorite day of the week. Yeah, my favorite talk show, my favorite political show. She Only Works on Mondays.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Ope. And then my other favorite, my second favorite, for the conversion. She Only Works on Sundays and Mondays, and then I get to do this with you on Mondays, and then it's Monday Night Football, and then there's a fresh batch of Willa Forger. I'm with you, you and your.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I love the consistency. I was actually telling someone else, like over the past two years I've been trying here and there. I only got maybe 20 episodes, so about 10 episodes in the past two years.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was very inconsistent. I'm back on my consistent grind and this is one of the best ways to do it. So we've been experimenting with Patreon and this is one of those features that patrons really get to listen to the entire recording of M3 Bearcast. Yeah, so we're live. If you're subscribed to M3 on YouTube, you would get a notification and also if you're on Patreon, you would get a notification that I you know, once I got Greg on the phone or he got me, actually we I post a link to Patreon and that means, patrons, you can watch the entire recording. I'm going to give everyone the first 30 minutes free, but it's a full hour and I chop it up and I post it on all your podcasts, usually Spotify, apple, all the regulars and you will get those every Tuesday, so expect a new episode tomorrow on all your podcatchers.
Speaker 2:The thing about especially this time of year, for some reason, monday afternoon it's hard to catch me. On Tuesday it's hard to catch me on Wednesday, and Thursdays are kind of iffy and shaky.
Speaker 1:But Monday afternoons I'll just yeah it is great, yeah, and also I think it's great for our audience too. We get a lot of participation for something that isn't scheduled, but an hour before we go live, so I'm not signed in, so I can't.
Speaker 2:Is anybody here, because I can't see you going all alone. Oh, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, yeah, we got four.
Speaker 2:Maybe I should log in. Oh yeah, Maybe I should log in. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So we'll get to our recording in just a second. I have no idea how he is not logged in Because the I guess that's one of the downsides of doing it from our patrons I've never actually seen the Patreon user interface from the Patreon side. So for a very long time we were doing the live stream and we were trying to see how we could post links to the Patreon page and I just realized there's a feed, just like any other social media platform, and I just posted it and we go in and you see, okay.
Speaker 2:Very different experience, not my good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was. Basically. We had just nothing but dead air for the past 10 minutes, that's whatever. But I was actually kind of just rambling until I realized I had to send you the code and I like text, chelsea, it goes. It occurred to me that I have never been on that other end, so it's really difficult to know what exactly the user experience is, especially on Patreon and stuff, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's terrible. You can't see the comments, you can't see how many people tuned in. You just can't. Yeah, yeah, anything. It's just. It's like what the guest sees. Yeah, I think it's better to say one day it's real good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's cool and frightening at one at the same time.
Speaker 1:Hello, yeah, so Hello, hello, hello.
Speaker 2:Yeah, mr Carl, I'm downstairs in my office and my monitor is super huge, so now I get to see your handsome face in the box, because my laptop is big but it's too small to see the picture. It's very good, god. We built all his there quickly. Jesus, how are you? Welcome to. Yeah, it's a little scary yeah.
Speaker 1:We really do appreciate you all as well and we're always trying to find new ways to remain in contact with you. You know we get new topic ideas from you. We get an idea of who our audience is. So when we do run into media on our own, it may remind us of something our audience was talking about, Even if you don't suggest it as a topic. Us getting to know you as a person and what you're interested in is going to help us tailor our content to you. For our patrons, we have a VIP room. That's the first. Level. Of patron is $5 a month to be a M3 VIP and we try to remain in contact with our patrons. If you're interested, it's obviously voluntary, Obviously.
Speaker 2:We're going to yeah, not guns, do it, do it, do it now. It's just a yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty awesome, good to be. Welcome to a live recording.
Speaker 1:I'm it's always great to have a group chat like that when shit goes down In the news. When the chairgate thing happened, I would have loved to be trading videos back and forth.
Speaker 4:Oh, if it was, I remember that.
Speaker 1:I remember both things. Yeah, I would love that we got to be joined.
Speaker 2:recently we had the conversation about the congressional staffer.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We were the first Probably people that didn't get what he said. In response I'm not, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's all a lot of work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's funny All right, let me play this clip. I know you don't like playing the clip, but I am a little tired, so that's good explaining it. But this is the topic about oversharing. Is the articles he's reading from here. I'm going to play it.
Speaker 5:Dating in the Time of TMI. So this article interviews some Gen Zers and is basically talking about their dating experiences and how they often feel people trauma dump and strangers are opening up too much too soon is becoming a defining characteristic of their dating life, and how many of them are turned off of dating altogether, like this one person they interview who's queer says that they're going out on dates with people and people are often opening with when did you realize you were gay as among the first questions they ask, and that it would lead to deep conversations. But then the conversations would often lead to trauma dumping and they say these people end up being very interested in them but they're like quote you don't know enough about me to have those feelings. You just feel bonded to me because now I know all this stuff about you, which is such a good point. How much of it is actually the people liking the people that they trauma dumped to Versus just enjoying the experience of telling someone all this stuff? The line between healthy vulnerability and inconsiderate unloading can be thin, especially as people crave connection. This I totally understand.
Speaker 5:I went on a first date with my now boyfriend of five years and I apparently talked about my stomach issues on the first date. I don't even really remember it and I'm like, why did I do that? And I know it's because I just overshare a lot in general. But I also want to and this is what this part talks about make sure that they can hang. Basically, I need to suss out immediately if they are okay with who I am and what I bring.
Speaker 5:And this talks about here how Gen Zers put their gender identity, sexual labels, mental health diagnoses into their social media bios or their dating app bios.
Speaker 5:And the social worker believes that the trauma dumping may be a way and I really understand this for people to quickly sum up who they are and preemptively weed out the people who won't accept them. But then the flip side of that is, as the social worker says, people often end up just talking about those things and not bringing in these other interests or values or relationships that they have, because they're over identifying with these parts of themselves. And again, who is to say what is too much identification with your gender identity or sexual orientation, your mental health diagnoses? No one can say that, but that's an interesting point what happens when we only talk about those things and not the other aspects that make us up in our totality. Anyway, I'm really curious about this, particularly if people have experiences with dating recently and if they feel like there is this sort of oversharing TMI Like does this resonate or is this just totally a random article, unlike Razor?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say that. Two things point next to that for me the trauma dumping idea of seeing if this person can hang. I have definitely been guilty of that. I try to get that. Try to get all the nitty gritty out, at least by the second date.
Speaker 4:That is so awful.
Speaker 2:That is so awful.
Speaker 1:I know, but the reason that I do that is, if I don't, I'm going to sit there anxious about the fact that these are some things that I still have to tell them. Yeah, and so the sooner I get it out, the more comfortable I feel. And so I feel guilty, in a sense, after I feel indicted from this video, because it is I am making them uncomfortable at their expense and making myself comfortable at their expense. And yeah, I'm guilty.
Speaker 2:So I think about it. I think about it opposite. I think about I show up as my but, carol, I do it. I supers my charming self. I let you buy the cow and then you get the shit after that. Oh yeah, I suffer from anxiety and I'm a bit of a control freak. It all comes out I'm like fuck you, I'm not even now, you can't run.
Speaker 1:I got you tied in.
Speaker 4:Sorry.
Speaker 1:It is basically what attraction is, though is like I got you now.
Speaker 2:It is the absolute inverse of the thing that this article talks about. Yeah, and I don't. I never thought about it as a fair or not fair or because we, as black queer people, usually and this is usually we come from a trauma bonding perspective, because being a person of color and queer experience you like how I'm learning these words I love it. Yeah, I just want to scream like I'm doing it. I'm getting a 50. I'm less offensive to the world, so it's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I feel like we have so much trauma to connect over that something is going to be the tie that bonds. Yeah, whether it's how we're treated by families, how we're treated by non people of color. There's something there, yeah, and so we talked about it on the show Previously when we talked on my show Saturdays at 3pm it's at the time you know every live, saturdays with the Talboms Drink. So we talked about dating outside of your race. Yeah, and the reason why it's so difficult for some of us and some of us on our panel, is the hunger by, because you can't trauma bond with the person of another race. You're right, you're at home and say F white people, and to a white person, you know what I mean, and so then you lose that time of you know. I know she's looking at me because I'm black.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's the one of just being a large black man in the world. I want someone who can identify with the feeling of being watched or being feared. I wanted someone to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and so empathy and experience are two different things. Yeah, empathize with how I'm feeling. So the thing I always think about when somebody says oh, I understand, I get it, this is cool or not cool, or whatever you do, you lose that opportunity to trauma bond.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no no doubt, and I think if you go into that thorny subject of international dating, because it always comes up, I'll have to say this I don't rule out the idea that I could have those sort of conversations with the white person. In fact, I've met white people who I've had those conversations with as a friend. Are they genuine? Yes, they are All right? Yeah, and so it is possible. I just would say that it's rare and probably too much to ask of anyone. Really, I feel for myself that lift is a little bit much to ask of any white person, honestly.
Speaker 2:So yeah, but I have not. Yeah, I've been doing it this way and I might.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hey, I'll leave open the possibility of being surprised. That's what I said Surprise, because I don't know. You never know.
Speaker 2:I want that woman to follow me around. I come out of the bathroom Surprise, I don't know. But okay, let me say this I don't really care how you take it. What are my downsides? So I have, I don't live with that fear. I like this person Fucking. I don't care, you know.
Speaker 1:See, for whatever reason I do Maybe my self-esteem is so fragile in that regard that Rejection is still I'm still sensitive to it Talk about that a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can I ask you some questions, of course? So at 40, you feel like, is it getting better? Yes, absolutely Fantastic. I would call it in the emergency.
Speaker 1:Still fears, but I go through with it anyway. It's kind of like eating my vegetable I eat my vegetables, but I still. I guess I have to stand up for myself.
Speaker 2:I tell you what a plus is of being a podcast host. We talk to thousands of people a month, yeah, and so we do share personal things and we share things. So does that part of your life make it easier, is that? I think so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and especially if the person I'm talking to has seen it or knows what I talk about, I feel like I can just go off to podcast host land. But I made this a joke. I have a podcast personality.
Speaker 2:I wait, I'm sorry, cut, cut right there, hold the top. I could no. Okay, you can pick, yeah.
Speaker 1:No, it's weird to do it in real life, but it is kind of fun.
Speaker 2:No, it is. I thought I was the only person when you are, because we do for those of us who are listening to us. We do the visual side as well. We go live and it's very visual. The night stream on other services and people can see me. So sometimes when I go to the grocery store I'm at the Popeyes and my slides getting shaking. Hey, I love your podcast. I'm like no, not now. I started to wash my face.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You have to turn into podcasts. Man, speak from your diaphragm. You try to use perfect sentences, and so I can see that happening on a date I can. Yeah, like now. Do they want to date you or Malcolm, the Fluff for King from the show.
Speaker 1:Because A little of both, because I think that's the interesting thing. I think this is a real person, this is a real aspect of myself.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:At the same time, there's America.
Speaker 2:That's just so much more real person. I just please don't, because I get that question all the time. Yeah, is Malcolm the same? Yeah, and people are like afraid to tell you that they are attracted to you. They rather tell me some type of hotheads. Oh, guess who like you? Guess who you know like he is?
Speaker 1:You can tell me. I really enjoy hearing that.
Speaker 2:And then you can send him the tank pictures that you said. He greatly appreciate that. So I'm a judge. Oh man, go ahead.
Speaker 1:So can we I over identify with our struggles a little much, or we out because we Question yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's my whole. That's my whole other point Can we have these issues so long to? They are the boat that we are. You are drift on the boat.
Speaker 1:I thought about that too. I don't know how far did you get into the high on the hog series.
Speaker 2:I'm only two episodes.
Speaker 1:The theme of it. I don't know if you saw it in the first episode.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a theme throughout every episode which was Conciling the darker sides of our ancestry in the sense that, yeah, if we had ancestors who were really good farmers, the very looking at of certain crops or whatever, like cotton or tobacco or whatever, sometimes would be like all. That brings up Painful trauma for some people of thinking about what their ancestors went through harvesting these crops and they don't want anything to do with it on the business side. Or you can take it from the position of this that our ancestors survived something that a lot of people probably should not have been able to, and they were skilled at what they did. Even though it wasn't a choice, they were giving.
Speaker 2:So it's very interesting and that is very. I have gotten that from the two episodes I'm seeing. You are correct.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think enough doing this anybody else, man, I'd screen you at the top of the reference that I was born in South Carolina, so, but I was raised in Virginia. So every summer my mother would take us down to hot ass South Carolina. It would be hot as fucking fish grease, and my aunt didn't have any air conditioning and I think it just. My mother just wanted us to be grateful. But here's the thing at 14, guess what the fuck happened? I got into a truck with my cousins and said where are we going? We're going to pull a backup. They didn't even call it tobacco, it's back up. We go pull back up and my mama say you're going to the money that you make pulling tobacco. You're going to save it for some of your school clothes. Now it wasn't very much money, but do you know how bad your hands bleed from pulling tobacco?
Speaker 1:I don't.
Speaker 2:You do how hot it is.
Speaker 1:I do know that.
Speaker 2:And it's all. The Carolinas even got a choice you could pull cotton or you could pull a backup, and so I could use me some damn pecan ice cream. Right now, you get them right off the tree. They're friends. I'm tired of that. But I am sitting here hot, never Number two with no tomato would be the shit Number one. Double Sorry, You're going to get mad if I don't get the order correct.
Speaker 2:Listen, but so that? So you know. You know, and I didn't realize this until I got older, there was a connection there. My mother would sit at the. God enough, she loved these.
Speaker 2:It's a move, how stressful. She had her money changed first cigarette holder with the lighter on the side of the pocket and some lottery tickets on the other. And you know, my mother was very nasal. So she was like how are the baby? I was like, no, I don't want to do anymore. So every day, but you only did it for two weeks because there was a peak season when you were there. And then so, and she and the man, she knew the man, she knew him, so the man would pay her, so all I would get to do was the work. And so when we got back home and I got Nike's and all these things and I learned to love those guys and I learned to love those God damn likeies and love those lead jeans and love those, you know, and it wasn't just about the label, it was about the work associated and that was that much more proud. So yeah, story short.
Speaker 1:No, no, you finish, please, so.
Speaker 2:I would bond with my cousins and my sister about this trauma of the blood and your hands and thorns and your hands and hands hurt. That's where the God now is why I can crack my knuckles to this day because of pulling that back. Now do I want to go on a date and hear someone just drama.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my mama made that sort of story I would share about that question that she asked like when did you first know you were gay? Is that something you asked on the first day? No, that's a lot, that's a lot.
Speaker 2:Three, two, one.
Speaker 1:I'm there, even thought to ask that. I still haven't thought to ask that anyone. That's a lot.
Speaker 2:Because to answer, I've always been me.
Speaker 2:I don't even know the location line. I always tell people I was born nasty, if you want to put it that way. I never thought anything was wrong with me. I am in therapy, ladies and gentlemen. So I talked to my therapist and I told him that's never been right, or when did you come up? That's what was silly. I never thought about being in. I never thought about there was no like there was. I didn't know it was wrong or looked upon as wrong, because I still, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm glad I never really thought it was wrong, I just thought it was embarrassing. That's the difference to me. I was embarrassed that I was gay and that I had same sex attractions, but I didn't think it was morally wrong. I think that's way worse. I know people in my circle who really believed it was evil, they were going to hell, and so every time they did something they were making sure they got to church and did whatever. And pray in this phrase is yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna have some breaking news Came out and so you can now bless gay marriages. Hmm, yeah, I was so confused this morning when I wrote it. Yeah, it's a little confusing as a practicing Catholic. I was like now, look, hey, look, look, am I going to hell or not? Do I do it?
Speaker 1:is a little bit of a.
Speaker 2:Yeah, am I prepping for eternal damnation, what you know?
Speaker 1:because doesn't mean that the church is going to perform gay weddings. George is blessed. What are you talking about?
Speaker 2:My priest and I. Yeah, because I'm sure he is trying to read, but so it's kind of straddling the line. That is another thing too. That's another trauma. I was in the world. Oh, I'm practicing. Other than Gemini. That was the other thing I heard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the thing, though. There is a long line, long healthy lineage of liberal Catholics that just are. The top of the ticket is yeah, I know that there were like some crunchy nuns out there who were doing kind of crazy stuff during the 60s. In fact, I think a large what was last year's.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think they were mostly lesbians.
Speaker 1:They were a lot of ecological stuff. They got into trouble, they did.
Speaker 2:And not the tall Lewis guy, not the good Kind of sort of it was classified as terrorism.
Speaker 1:But then he is.
Speaker 2:When your podcast yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no. There's a whole history of really radical nuns. I can't remember what sect of Catholicism.
Speaker 2:The many things. So yeah, oh no, because we talked about it. Yeah, because my priest is a member of that particular sex and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:But so, but with that, though, that's another religious trauma is something that you yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I just I don't. I wouldn't suggest leading with trauma, I wouldn't suggest. You know, I was molested at five. I don't think that should be like I'm telling you right now, wherever we are, and I'm gonna pay the check for you because I'm thinking that you're having some problems, you're having a stroke or something, wherever you are, and you need some assistance. Those are some things you never should lead with. Lord. My mother, my father, beat me with a wire hanger, stuff like that. Someone said, or when did you come out? And stuff like that. But it's crazy, because those things can kind of sort of be okay. Yeah, I mean, you are both same gender loving people, so it would be that when did you discover you were same gender loving?
Speaker 1:It's an okay question, yeah, I think one thing we're gonna have to talk about some good questions to ask on the first date.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I might do that on Saturday.
Speaker 1:I have some revealing ones, but I think one of them might be how would you define your sexuality? Because I think, how well do you accept these labels that people are giving you?
Speaker 2:Did I talk to you about this? No because I discovered my therapist. I discovered that I'm pansexual. I did not know what that meant. Yeah, I thought it was some weird excuse for people not wanting to say gay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it could still be that for some people it could be yeah, or it could be also, I think, pansexual. Let's just say any label people can abuse. So let's just be a real that some people will take on labels and it doesn't really fit them, but they like the label. But that doesn't diminish the label being good for many people. And pansexual, from my understanding, is just that you like what you like it could be what it could be for male, female it could be. It's just that energy Right.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, I read a comment that threw me off. And it was saying that the viewer expressed they had a death in the family over the last year. Now, that's not. That's kind of not what we're talking about. That's a life and it was a daughter. It was a life-changing thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's something that's impacting your life currently.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's not trauma. It's trauma but it's something that needs to be known, because I knew this about the viewer, because I know him, but again, I won't ever be talking about. I am on tap to say God bless you and again, I am sorry for your loss. That is something that needs to be discussed. But back to the pansexual thing. I did not realize it. So a question, did they? He named all the sexual iterations of it. Yes, I've been with one of those. Yes, I've been with one of those, and yes, and yes, it's a great under the liberty people, or does it? It's, I think I forgot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you did come up with a word, that was funny. Dibidit people he had some vowels I can't make it into a word.
Speaker 4:IA or something.
Speaker 2:But in the grand scheme of things, I did not realize that because I was off in the world, busy being me, I didn't know what I was attracted to, whom I was attracted to was in consequential, and I grew up with the background. Not only is you happy and that's and I'm in. So that's the one thing I realized, and not everybody's had that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know, that's true, that's true. I think I lived in a type of pseudo conserved family, because it wasn't like they were pushing this sort of conservatism, but it was all around us. All our friends, all our co-workers and everything were super conservative, and so I think there were just on my behalf, being gay, I was never ashamed, but I was also not trying to draw any more attention to myself and I still do that to this day where I draw attention You're an oak tree.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be, gay. Every single one of my gender-loving friends is like who's a total gentleman to Africa. Because we look different in person. We have good lighting, we don't walk around with rain lights in our parking lot. Most of my friends are like who's a total gentleman to Africa? My bud of 20 years. That's my co-host, my partner in crime, but he knows what a body is like. It's Malcolm. No, I did not know. He was super tall.
Speaker 1:And then the next thing was mmm.
Speaker 2:Oh God, wow to slut.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I still underestimate that, because that's one of those things where if you've always been in water, it's like a fish and water type deal. I've always been tall.
Speaker 2:Are you saying? You're literally trying to make yourself small in the world?
Speaker 1:Sometimes I don't necessarily like standing out. I get embarrassed.
Speaker 2:How do you do that? What's shelf, what housing do you go in? Where do you find this thing In your mind?
Speaker 1:you just kind of set out yeah, I might have to put a pin in that right there, and we'll talk about that at some point. My shyness, because this is shyness, this is what it is. Yeah, it's a basic shyness.
Speaker 2:America. He's only rude to me.
Speaker 1:And I don't really know how, other than to build a sort of callus to it. You just have to be embarrassed repeatedly until you get used to it.
Speaker 2:I always tell people the talent that Mr Drake was always my protection and it's weird that I have to share him with everybody every week now because he was always the funny one with the quick snap and really he is a separate person. And News Flash if you see me out in public or you know me personally, I am not him. I have to say that at least twice a week. They don't necessarily like him. He's mean, he's crass, he's nasty, he says he wants to own white people, there's all kinds of shit that should not be said.
Speaker 2:So therefore let me put a pin in this topic in general.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, make sure you can catch Greg on Saturday at noon.
Speaker 2:This AI guy is hot, I'm on pretty good too.
Speaker 1:I love AI. Catch me Wednesday at 7.
Speaker 2:We are Make sure to catch the podcast tomorrow. Dude, my lawyer side needs a branding on this podcast.
Speaker 1:You can also catch swag tomorrow. Yeah, 7 pm Eastern Standard Time.
Speaker 2:And the diggler digest as well. Oh, you can say it now Nice the diggler. Digest with the grills. 8 pm on Thursday, 8 pm on Thursdays.
Speaker 1:So I think we're going to go to our next topic, which is going to be on happiness. But this is going to be just for our patrons. If you would like to become a patron, Go to patreoncom. I don't have the song. But, so happiness? Do we need to be happy? Is that our goal in life, ultimately, to be happy or is it a little more complex than that?
Speaker 2:I like it because it has penis in it, I guess so.
Speaker 1:I guess it does kind of have a penis.
Speaker 2:I have a very creative idea.
Speaker 1:I'm going to pause the video and we'll talk about it. Check out this video.
Speaker 3:This guy hit on me. He said, hey, you married. And I was like yes, and he said you happy? And I was like no, I am. I was not happy at the time, but what does me being unhappy have to do with whether or not you have a shot?
Speaker 4:I've gotten tagged in this video a few times and I want to highlight an important distinction because, from my perspective, these two people are not on the same page. This is what she said.
Speaker 3:If you could learn how to be unhappy for a minute, your marriage will last, because the goal in marriage is not happiness. The goal is to build a lasting relationship that withstands the ebbs and flows of marriage, of relationships.
Speaker 4:And this is what he heard.
Speaker 1:Someone finally said it no one gives a damn about your happiness, it's about making it work.
Speaker 4:The woman seems to be making a statement about not allowing momentary unhappiness or frustration to cause infidelity, and the man here is saying happiness doesn't matter at all. In fact, no one gives a damn about your happiness, it's about making it work. Happiness is defined as feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with a person, arrangement or situation. No one gives a damn about that. What the man is fear the red pill podcasters is the so-called alpha male seem to be selling is that it's normal for us to remain unhappy in our relationships, and I think this comes in part from the idealization of the former generations. Many of our elders, though thoroughly unhappy, they stayed. They stayed and argued every day. They stayed and didn't have a friendship. They stayed and created constant tension or wouldn't talk to each other for some days. They lived out the roles prescribed to them by white supremacy, by the church, by society, next to each other, but they were really, truly with each other. They occupied the same space but weren't always on the same team. I made a video talking about how our society conditions men to not like women, and I think it shows up in this kind of thought process, because the part not being said out loud is that making it work to some men looks like women playing their part and being submissive and it looks like men being with women they don't like but staying with her because she serves him. Yes, I'm married. It'll be five years next week. Thanks for asking.
Speaker 4:So I know that unhappiness shows up in marriage. It can manifest in a bunch of ways Unexpected life events like death and loss, a drain of capitalistic life, the feeling of being stuck in a profession or a career. It can be financial stress or family dynamics. It's also navigating individual traumas through therapy and finding triggers where you didn't know they existed. But am I happy? Am I pleased and content with the person that I'm spending my life with? Absolutely. Do I have a sense of confidence and or satisfaction with the person arranged in our situation?
Speaker 4:Absolutely, and this remains true no matter how unhappiness shows up. And I know that we can't fully control our partner's happiness, but I should absolutely be invested in that happiness. I should want her to feel pleased, content and confident in what we're building together and, because I love her and like her, investing in that happiness makes me happy. We have to end the destructive narrative that love, that lack love in particular, has to be rooted in relational long suffering, struggle and hardship. After all we've been through, we deserve so much more than that. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments and, as always, I can follow from here.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. As a person that was formerly in the heterosexual marriage when I was no longer happy. I was no longer in the marriage and I think we both were that way, and I think it's not on the reason to expect to be happy and, of course, reasonably happy. So you're not going to be fucking juggling balls and eating cotton candy every day, but reasonably humanly satisfied is not unreasonable Now. So that means we have to talk about it and I want to know this from you right now. I'm telling you, I'm asking you this at home, yeah, I'm asking you this at home what is your definition of happiness? That's the crux of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say that you are not reasonably thinking of a better way to be. Happiness for me, and I think that's kind of momentary, I think in certain aspects, and then also looking back on it, does it feel worth it. That's to me is kind of more like satisfaction than happiness, because I think happiness is a momentary type thing. You feel it in the moment. No-transcript. It is basically saying this is where I'd prefer to be, like I don't, I could. Of all the things, of all the multiverse places I could be, this is where I want to be. That's to me happens.
Speaker 2:So no, I don't know keep going.
Speaker 1:I know, I'm just saying if I, if you had a choice, I think oftentimes I think of that as this is the choice I'd make, that to me is happens.
Speaker 2:Oh, so, even if the person, if you're in a very uncomfortable, unhappy situation at the moment.
Speaker 1:No, I'm saying, if that is the thought, okay, that's what I would. It's from out to be happiness. If I'm thinking of something else, somewhere else I could be, then that is not happy. If I want this to be different, if I want my current situation to change, that is a basic unhappiness with this situation. And so I say the inverse is happiness, which is you wouldn't prefer it to be any other way. This is what you want in that moment.
Speaker 2:But I do agree with him that sometimes we, even in same gender-loving relationships, we think it is okay to be unhappy because it's a part of the struggle we think about To be keeping it real. We think about that in most aspects of me need to suffer or struggle your thoughts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I Think there is a certain amount of yeah, I think through Honestly just Christian ideology. I think there's a certain martyr complex that comes with that. Certain people find that to be heroic and To suffer is to be a good person or to be a strong person and someone to be admired and and I think, especially if it's in those prescribed roles, a very conservative ideology of this is what is respected. Some suffering With that it's probably Not a bad thing. As you say, in small doses that actually is a good way to. To proceed is to expect a certain amount of discomfort, a certain amount of unhappiness, and to understand that if this is you Truly standing up for your values, what you believe to be right, what you really want out of life, being true to yourself and your desires, then a little bit of unhappiness to get to a future result is certainly worth it.
Speaker 1:I'll give you a good example. It's not something I can't even testify to, but something I've been reading about recently, which is parenting. So if you were to ask parents, people especially who are raising children under the age of three, their momentary happiness is probably pretty low because they're not sleeping, they're not going out and hanging out with their friends because they have a little human to take care of disrupting their sleep. Everything Work they're probably had to take off. They're getting sick, probably a lot. Babies just give you coals on a constant basis. They're engines of vectors of illness.
Speaker 2:Look, I agree with that. No, push back here. Let me tell you something, people like parents are.
Speaker 1:If this is something you asked for, that suffering Typically is turned into something More like happiness or satisfaction, even if not momentary, even if in that momentary, those times when you're asked, you're miserable but oftentimes people spin it into a story or, however, the satisfaction of raising children and seeing this little human being.
Speaker 2:I mean, come on, let me be honest with you, bro. Most of the shirts are measurable. I'm a lot to some Someone that has done it, because you did, because you have to pretend like I'm happy with putting in these before my eyes.
Speaker 1:The truth is, I mean people being honest when they're asked, and that's what's funny Studies my son wanted some children but I wanted to go see parents.
Speaker 2:I guess what I did, but on that note, he got to. I made this. But I can only imagine parents with no means. But honestly, yeah, that's what would make it terrible if you didn't have the struggle in itself. So so, as people of color, do we Cuz? I don't, I live with my.
Speaker 2:I don't expect pushback. I'm keeping it where my sister have this conversation. All the time he tells me you don't, I can really get my, let me get my, my Concentration of him. Correctly, you don't belong in this line, stay on this line. You don't belong in this line. I'm not talking to you. And I get so pissed off because I think I belong in every life. But I say I live, I don't think about. I think I talked about this one time on the show. I did not really realize how offended people were when I complained about my pool. Yeah, the case your house. They didn't pissed in the pool again. I put down a dish detergent for bubbles in my hot tub. Oh no, and they would never say anything like. And then that one bowl for you. That's funny, I'm like. But I don't expect I push back, I'm just the truth is we don't Know.
Speaker 1:That's the point, that's the point of pushback. That is the point of pushback is best if people actually tell you when shit bothers them, because I don't think we always know. And when people say it, you can accept it or not and that's up to you, but I think it's good for you to communicate that we're never, even if it doesn't make sense.
Speaker 2:But I'm gonna fuck. And here's the thing, though I'm not gonna dumb myself down or myself small so you can seem smarter, brighter and well adjusted. Fuck you change your life. And they saw my bill me. A pool is gonna be a bigger pool at a big house. Fuck you work harder, do better run the jump harder. Because yeah, no, because he's behind. Keep bringing up a lot today, but the other conversations that we have is Work harder, do more, do it faster, do it quick. These are we have the same conversation on this side.
Speaker 2:You know me and we talk about them. Yeah, place where they live. Yeah live in the same place. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:No, I was just thinking about. You had a comment from your street team before we had to get a sign back in. Remember what you're saying. It was something about what? When is Compromise too much?
Speaker 2:Yes, no, gonna go back. He's also a viewer of the regular show, prince, he said Because I laughed at him, because it was so hilarious when is too much, when is copper, when is too much compromise? Yeah, well, when you know, and so I we were talking about other things in the first half of the show super interesting topic, cannot wait till you guys download the bearcast and listen to it. But the other thing, that is, I'm just not good at that. Yeah, but this was one thing. I sit down table and they fully I.
Speaker 2:To be nasty and I will listen and I will. I take no, I think we're all we can.
Speaker 1:I think the issue of compromise is there should be areas that you hold Sacred, that you don't want to change, and then there are other things that you can let go. There are always some things that don't matter. This is always gonna be a hierarchy of needs like this matters more than that, this matters more than this, whatever, and as it gets lower and lower. Those are the things you can compromise on. You just got to find that exchange that works.
Speaker 2:Fuckers want you to change inherently who the fuck you are. They do. They come with like why can't you see it this way and why can't you cause my fuck? I won't raise like that, I'm not into that shit, like that. That's if a mom fuck, if a mom fuck is a bottom and he tells you he's a bottom from the game, you're not gonna ask him for some dick. That's the thing I want to be the top. You're not gonna ask him for no ass. And so and if I tell you that these are these things for me, oh, not negotiable, these things, you are not gonna get a strong response from G. You know anything but you keep pushing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that part is a problem. I think this is something men do generally Is they have a difficulty accepting a no from people, sometimes like It'd be like why, why don't you, though? Why won't you do that? Like?
Speaker 2:What's going on?
Speaker 1:Like I once. I expressed my point of view. Now you want me to explain it. My bitch, get up. That's why because I fucking.
Speaker 2:I have one thing to say about that is we're a big thing because I'm not doing, you are not gonna make enough. The thing about I'm strong Shit you are not gonna make me do some shit. In a reality show confessional. But I swear on Mickey Mouse and five other motherfuckers you will not give me to go outside my car. Yeah because you have to stand on business. Yeah, yeah, basically, there you go, I was.
Speaker 5:I was.
Speaker 2:Go back into the m3 archives for last week. Welcome to the whole show standing on business yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that term because that's where. I have to tell myself that now I'm like yeah, yeah, stand on business.
Speaker 2:It's true, you said it to yourself.
Speaker 1:Call me, I wouldn't even say that I actually had to do that today. I did. I had no business today. Yeah, dude, I have to talk about you personally.
Speaker 2:Sort of really. Yeah, okay, all right, this little bro happened to stand on business now, did you? Now in the video? She was lonely after she stayed on business, or there was some.
Speaker 1:Oh no. I think the thing about standing on business for me and using that term is that you might want to pursue it, you're still attracted to that person. But you also feel disrespected. And so you stand on business saying, even if I could make the choice of going through with my attraction, I know that I care about myself more than that attraction. Yeah. And so I'm standing on business saying, okay, I'm cutting off the feelings at this point. I know I feel I had, I know I have this attraction, but you cut it off like a boss.
Speaker 2:You'll be cutting it off at your own peril as your own peril.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes, because if you still have feelings for them, yeah, it hurts a little bit Sometimes. One I might have one bottle for Wednesday.
Speaker 2:And I'm gonna do it that sure bottle one of a box Now, but truly and I think this kind of intertwines with our first topic on Open trauma bonding, basically dating with. So the other thing is I, you know what I hate the most. You complete me, that is so. It's so cringy and so terrible. What were you before? No, nigga, don't, nobody want that. You know. Yeah, I don't want this person. You wonder I look at what your? Oh, you're looking for pieces of yourself. And then I was called a dick the other day by a viewer when Inboxed me because I sent it on the show and I was. They were like what do you mean? I was like I said what I said. Do not come and talk. Talking to me, talking to god damn, you complete me. Yeah, I don't need a puzzle, I can go to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:No, you agree, disagree. What's that?
Speaker 1:I've been on both sides of that, so I will say I agree first of all. But I've seen it from the point of view of if you have certain flaws, having someone who is accepting of them feels like a puzzle piece. Because this is a thing for which most people might be unattractive or repelled by. You find attractive. That can feel like a puzzle piece fitting.
Speaker 2:Oh wait, so in that case we need to communicate on what piece it is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think what you're talking about is your very soul, your very nature, your identity, like you believe this idea of the soulmate, like that's, I think that is a wonderful idea for movies and, yeah, romantic novels, but not for real life. It's not a real thing.
Speaker 2:But now, if you can, articulate what part of complete you mean. Just like you know, I feel like I was missing this and yeah, absolutely yeah. That's a good point, it's very different, but I consider myself a romantic, I do. Yeah we do um, but do I think I'm going to go through life, I'm going to have this when Harry met? Sally moment, or the mailbox or Romantic notion? No, because first of all I'm a person I'm calling a male, so romance just looks different for black people, you know, I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:I know what you're still is romantic for black people, you know. I mean, yeah, they would have afford. Is that wrong? Is sexy? And Korean some relationship goals? Because we harken most of us harken from slavery. Our ideal of relationship success is very different.
Speaker 2:Yeah it's very, monetary. It's very and I don't know if we my brother does consumer research, but black people are the biggest consumers of everything and there's every box that you would have sneakers, records, food, fast food, any genre anything that denotes spending extra money. Now the other thing is we make less, so none of the money we have is extra.
Speaker 2:Man and you find out only 10 of us have enough money to retire on. Yeah, there's a direct correlation there. But what I say to you is, once you kind of get all the other things in your life set, there's happiness to be found, like this happens to be found. And I think if you find happiness in Financial or you get in some time in our type of this, you don't have to be happy or you get all the money you need in life, but just to be comfortable and be able to pay your bills without living from pillar to post and paycheck to paycheck, that is a certain form of happiness, and then free you up to find Happiness and love. And then I find myself sometimes. I know couples have been together for 15 or 20 years. Their idea of happiness has changed and is quickly evolving because you put this person so long. So and that was a new revelation to me- yeah.
Speaker 2:You know it changes, it evolves, it moves into something different when you, when you're with this person, um yeah, growing together in a certain way or have a like.
Speaker 1:You say you're on a journey, you're changing. You're not the same person you were when you met. You have to constantly renegotiate in which direction you're going, and being Vulnerable is difficult. Oh, you're literally making yourself Vulnerable to a person you can be Pretty difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, then I get it. I get it. This person ain't going away and y'all spent 20 summers and 20 years together. Yeah what the fuck, you know? I mean, yeah, okay, I get it. I don't get it. And so Just to put it for me happiness If you can find happiness at work and, you know, happy at home. So, in scales, constantly do this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I was thinking about that with the interracial relationship point of it. We were talking about how we there's a certain amount of trauma bonding there. Yeah, that would be go missing if you were with the white partner All right, we talked about you can't but white people. Exactly that the thing is. You probably need some really strong friends or even family.
Speaker 2:That oh, student enough to say okay, I can handle it. He's not talking to me personally.
Speaker 1:Experience. Yeah, yeah, I think he has to obviously be able to handle it without feeling some kind of way.
Speaker 2:You obviously do. You really think you could date into a show?
Speaker 1:I would try. If the person felt right to me, you know, I mean I wouldn't go looking for it, but if it's all right, I would try.
Speaker 2:I would wait for you to say that part. That's always your go-to, yeah, so you know. Let me just give people a little insight. Pretty girls and you're new to the podcast, so we have about a 20 year plus friendship in front of us, behind us, and it's interesting to know how you've evolved as a person me too, probably. How you've evolved as a person and and I hate to say this because you've always been I think you were born. What? Six, three, I remember they talked about time tour. Was he see you? He was born.
Speaker 1:I was like five feet tall in kindergarten or something.
Speaker 2:I was like twice the size of yeah, you were like you and the grass no, but I said the growth is very interesting because if I was like 25 year old, mom was like question. I think you answered me, yeah sure?
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's do it. No, I've given a shot and recognized that. Yeah, it is a rare thing. I don't know if the right qualities exist in the white person that I'm looking for as far as being able to connect over or not feel some kind of way about social justice issues, or just the feeling of being a black man in America not being able to bond over that.
Speaker 2:Because I stress it like to be on right, you know you would be lacking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really love bonding over that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or to be a father like George Floyd. Happened in those interracial homes Wow. Yeah look what we did. We did it's. We go into it huffing and puffing but yeah, yeah. All the other side this is probably the easiest thing. I do all we do. With the Thompson, mr Drayden and m3 on Saturdays.
Speaker 1:It is super produced and it's yeah, yeah, thanks for this up. Yeah, thank you guys so much again. Yeah, today is just a conversation. It allows us to actually unwind and maybe even come up with new topics.
Speaker 2:That's what I kind of see it as, yeah it's really I feel and you know what I honestly feel like I feel like give an opportunity for us to catch up and say Hi, hello.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:It's really easy and someone I thought of Monday's. I was like, oh, I'm really good. It's getting to the point where we're on air very few days, you know. I mean like, really I'm off on Sundays and Mondays.
Speaker 1:You're not. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I am working and there was a Thursday is the worst, I think. For you for me yeah.
Speaker 2:Why Thursdays?
Speaker 1:I just have meetings back to back, so oh really.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, but thank god we don't have to go in the air.
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah, that's um. I'm just like be.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah. All we have to do is watch and be creepy. Yeah, be creepy. Please catch my more Wednesdays, yes, and Wednesdays at 7 pm Eastern standard time. Listen, I think I am seeing my therapy less because of what you do. I've got that for a week now and it's fairly wonderful. Oh, again, please catch me on Saturdays at 12 pm Eastern time. I am planning to do a late night show.
Speaker 2:We're gonna talk about everything sex and yeah and how to put on condoms and where to buy condoms or type of lube is the best Issues about erectile. I am taking notes of the things that people ask me that necessarily would not fly At 12 pm on Saturdays.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to do. I try to get some sex questions for Wednesday. That might be good too. That'd be good yeah.
Speaker 2:Some sex questions. All right, on behalf of my dear friend and founder of m3 markham travelers. Thank you for tuning in and you can find this podcast. Where are you finding your podcast? Apple music, amazon podcast.
Speaker 1:And we're on all the social media platforms. Just search for our mail media mind. Yep, then we want to follow us personally on instagram.
Speaker 2:You can reach it. What are you? Mackam travelers, or no, big mouth too. So On instagram, or he has the handle for um yeah, I do the mail media mind handle. On instagram. Yep, okay, that's me at the top of mr Drake on instagram or greg rich right on facebook. Thank, you guys so much in my street team. I left you up by accident, so you got a freebie here. All right, all right.