Perspectives, Culture, and Identity

In this episode of the M3 BearCast, Malcolm Travers delves deep into various topics surrounding relationships, cultural influences, and personal perspectives. Malcolm explores how our viewpoints are shaped and defended, the impact of white supremacy on self-perception, and the delicate issue of maintaining old flames while in new relationships. He shares personal insights about living with bipolar disorder and how it affects his view of reality. Additionally, Malcolm discusses the subtle but pervasive effects of culture and social norms on behavior and identity, particularly within the context of black and white interactions in America. Tune in for an engaging discussion that combines thoughtful analysis with personal reflection.

00:00 Welcome to M3 BearCast
01:38 Exploring Perspectives and Mental Health
04:26 Cultural Influences on Identity
08:54 Assimilation and Social Norms
12:40 The Impact of White Supremacy
18:57 The Complexity of Free Will
29:04 Navigating Romantic Relationships
36:45 Conclusion and Farewell

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Transcript

  📍 Hello, and welcome to the M3 BearCast. My name is Malcolm Travers. Male Media Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting and unifying our community through dialogue, insight, creativity, and knowledge. And each Tuesday, I try to take a deeper dive into some of the issues surrounding relationships, spirituality, self development, politics, or whatever is making me mad or confusing me.

And I try to delve into them as deeply as possible on this solo podcast. But then I share those topics again with my panelists on Monday and Wednesday, and we try to have a more wide ranging discussion. And the topics that I'm bringing up today are dealing with things like perspective, like how do we develop our point of view in the world.

And in our need to defend our point of view, do we try to enforce our point of view on other people? And then I get into the way that culture can sometimes influence our perspectives on ourselves in detrimental ways, specifically talking about white supremacy and how it may have influenced our basic sense of self.

And then in my last topic, I may have a relationship topic about Is it okay to hold a flame for an ex in a new relationship? And what does that mean when you start a new relationship? What is it in some way a time bomb waiting to go off? All right, let me get to the topics.

 



  I feel that one of the things that I struggle with the most, um, having bipolar disorder is this concept that my own perspective is unreliable at times, you know, um, having had serious bouts of depression and some intermittent laced bouts of mania, like really out there hallucinations. Um, I come to this sort of, uh, unreliable view of reality in a sense where I recognize that the everyday experience of going through my day is itself a constructed, uh, useful hallucination.

And then there are times where I go through bouts of depression that lasts for significant periods of time where it colors every aspect of my life. And it took me a while to actually recognize when I'm in a bout of depression. Um, I had to sort of form a baseline and, you know, have a certain level of stability to recognize those times when, um, my view of things are just out of whack.

Um, and one of the things I also realized, um, in those bouts of mania and depression. Has to do with the fact that I think we all live in our own separate realities. And we rely on one another to stay grounded in a certain sense. And one of the worst aspects of either, um, my experience of depression or mania is the sort of isolation that you have that your reality does not map well onto anyone else's.

I mean, even other people who have mania and depression, you really do not map onto their mania or their depression, you can only map onto their sobriety, their stability once they come out of it and start explaining what it's like to be in mania or depression. But while you're there, you're in your own little world.

And one of the things that fascinates me about this topic is how much we desire To be independent from one another, to think for ourselves, to be ourselves, uh, to have our own points of view. And yet, um, on the same token, um, we want those points of view that are ours to be shared by other people. And I think that's the difficult part about, um, having a perspective that doesn't agree with other people is that you then want your point of view.

To then match other people. And you don't want to change your point of view. You want their point of view to change. You want other people to map on to your reality. So I thought this was a really good example. I'm going to play this, um, video from a content creator. And she talks about this very concept and uses the example of someone visiting, uh, a foreign culture and why it can be difficult for people to, in practice.

Um, been to the whims of others who are around them.

 I feel like we don't talk enough about how growing up is basically finding your own reality and then having to fight for it. Because when you're young, you live in your parents reality. If you don't have parents that give you the freedom to express yourself, then you can really be inhibited. And then as you get older, your peers become a big influence in your reality.

I wouldn't say that we really develop a solid sense of our own sense of things. I think according to psychology, it's like when you're in college that you're developing your identity. At least for me, it was in my late 20s. But once you get to that place where you develop like a pretty strong sense of yourself, and develop your own reality, um, then I think you just have Spend the rest of the time fighting for it Um, I think a lot of people conceptually understand different realities and perspectives, but in practice I think kind of struggle with it and inevitably want you to just agree with their own perspective And I think even the most well meaning people do this And the best example I can give of this is a video that I saw a while ago of somebody who's interviewing a person of color Who's living in japan?

And the interviewer is asking the person of color like have you been struggling in japan? And the person of color is like no At first, yeah, people would ignore me, especially when I would try to go out to eat and stuff like that. And then I talked to, like, a Japanese friend of mine and they told me that, you know, Japanese culture is very sensitive to, um, feeling inconvenienced.

And so his friend slash colleague, I don't remember who told him this, said, you know, when you enter these establishments and you talk to Japanese people, say this Japanese phrase, like, you know, I'm sorry for being an inconvenience. And the person being interviewed is like, once I start saying that, my entire experience in Japan changed.

Um, and the person interviewing. This person of color is flabbergasted like oh my god That's like debasing yourself and the person's like no like I'm in their world Like how could I impose my own sense of things here when I'm visiting them? They were like my perspective is not really that valid here, you know in this context And that's what it looks like practically to a white person Understand and appreciate another culture when you're visiting and a lot of people conceptually understand that but I think struggle in practice because This person that was interviewing them if you probably asked them are other cultures so different like should you be respectful?

They would have agreed but practically struggled with it I think this is the same thing when it comes to people's realities perspectives their senses of self And that's why the more you refine who you are the more you're fighting To other people, the world essentially to maintain that for yourself and not in a the world is just out to get you type of way because it might feel like that at first but in more of like a we all kind of Live in our own realities and not everyone really practically understands what it's like to coexist with everyone else's realities people's Realities their perspectives have so much valid basis That's what we all feel so strongly about our own reality because it's all low key valid Coexisting other people that you can't you're not gonna convince and that's okay.

You need to learn to coexist even The realities and perspectives that are the most different from yours. We have to coexist with them. And it's really, really hard. I get that. I struggle with it all the time too, but then I have to remind myself, like everyone's reality is so valid. Like let's just be curious instead as to like how you came about this.

 So yeah, I think what's so great about this clip is that she gets at the idea that in concept, we all understand that other cultures exist and that we have to do things the way that they do them when we're visiting. But in practice, it can feel degrading sometimes, you know, to say that I'm sorry to be a bother, for instance.

might strike someone from a culture where pride is valued, um, that that's, that's really debasing yourself. Um, every time that you walk up to somebody, but in certain cultures, that's part of what it is, you know, bowing and submitting and being meek and respecting other people's space, all these sorts of things are things that we don't do in our culture.

And yet there it's perfectly normal. Um,

We struggle with that as human beings, you know, and even while other cultures surround each other and reinforce each other's shared beliefs in a lot of ways, you know, that comfort of having people around us who tacitly agree with some basic ideas of what it's like to move through the world. We still feel like other people's shit.

Been to us. You know, I see this in a, a certain way dealing with assimilation, for instance, when someone moves to another culture or is a, uh, part of a subgroup of a culture and adopts the dominant culture's perspectives and mores and norms to a certain degree. When we a adopt someone else's culture and absorb it into our own, we then.

consider it our own. We don't feel it to be something that we adopted. And then once we've internalized it, we sort of self enforce that to other people around us, even though we don't realize that we're doing that. I've, um, definitely seen this with, uh, uh, within the gay community, for instance, um, call it heteronormativity, for instance, and people um, when they have it really gone, socialized a lot with other gay people and live almost completely in straight spaces have just naturally adopted sort of the, um, the expectation of heteronormative masculinity or of relationships of, um, expectations, uh, about monogamy, for instance, or, um, things that are just not.

a hundred percent agreed upon throughout the, the queer culture.

And I've seen the same thing dealing with assimilation in the way people speak, for instance. Um, you know, living in different regions of the country, people speak differently. The same thing with subcultures. Um, AAVE, uh, Ebonics. The way black people talk versus white people. when we, uh,

when we adopt a certain way of speaking, we forget that there isn't any truly right way to say certain words. And yet, if the dominant culture says it this way, then this is the way that it's supposed to be said. And saying it any other way is incorrect and is a sign of a lack of culture, a lack of education.

a lack of status, a lack of class, and to a certain degree that can be true. Like, um, the way that we move through the world and the way that we do things can be a signal to others as to our background and our education, um, and our values even. Um, but where do those signals come from, right? And how is it that we came to decide that these are the signals and are they true?

Um,

That's actually a, um, topic for another day, or maybe I'll do it later. I actually was going to bring this up, um, later on in another video, but getting back to the idea of perspective.

I just find it fascinating that while we are often fighting for independence as we grow up to be ourselves, we also crave that sort of connection. And to not live in our own separate realities. And I think there is a balance that can be found there. Where, um, we have something in reserve for ourselves.

Something that, um, is uniquely us. And having a small group of people that we can share that with. Without any sort of judgment. And To be honest with people about our weird interests.

And to be honest with our friends and with others about our weird idiosyncrasies. You know, uh, it's important to be able to not have to fight to be yourself at all times. And, um, yeah, I just hope that is something that I expand.

I hope that's something that I honor amongst my friends and family. To say, like, you can be yourself around me. That I will not be trying to make you see the thing, see things the way that I see them. And I hope that you will listen to, and at least humor me, about the way that I see the world.  

  



 

This last most recent passage that I read was Happy City.

It was an introduction to the idea that we are more intricately intertwined with our environment than we think. And this gets into some of the books that I've been reading recently about free will and sort of the idea that Mostly what we think about free will has to do with our volition, our ability to make a choice, um, or to look back at a choice that we've made and to believe that we had the ability to choose something else.

And I think part of that illusion, because it is an illusion, that we could have chose something else giving all the same pressures is because we're almost always unaware of the pressures that influence our choices. And, you know, certainly we have choices as to what pressures are pressing upon us to make choices.

And so we have volition in how our choices are made. But it comes far before the actual choices made. And I think this book is going to get into that idea. And I want to put that prominently in the front of my mind as I read it. that it gets into the concept of free will and of happiness about what makes us happy.





Recently, I've been listening to a podcast about blue zones and this misattributed idea that there are places in the world that people lived longer because of some of the dietary choices that people made and sometimes there are social groups and interconnectivity. And I think one of the things they're finding out is that a lot of these, um, a lot of these dietary recommendations were bullshit.

But they sounded good for a reason. I want to say that this idea that we have social connectivity in certain, um, that it matters. Even though like they use Okinawa, Japan as an example where, uh, clearly the longevity of people. Um, was much more attributed to universal health care and just wealth inequality.

You know, just a high level of, um, of wealth amongst the Japanese people. So, um, and yeah, their diet wasn't that great. Not really. They didn't have these huge plant based diets. They ate a lot of the same processed foods that a lot of people did. They did a lot of, um, Processed meats, for instance, and um, So, I, I think I take into consideration the idea that all of these concepts and theories are still up for refutation, right?

Like, I should take them with a grain of salt, that I don't know when this book was written, um, but 10, 20 years from now, it may be refuted by some other book. But there's something that is learned in the process of both, um, the theories and their refutation. I think we climb another rung on the ladder of knowledge.

And I want to, um, take part in the process of trying to learn through those people's mistakes.

 

So one of the, um, topics that I wanted to do for the podcast had to do with black people and the silent pressures of white supremacy on us from things like culture and etiquette. And I thought about some of the incredibly, um, draconian social codes that black people had to engage in when addressing white people and how it was, There was a reverse code as well that white people were not to show honor to black people, which is one of the reason why Mr.

became such a common name amongst black people because they wanted to be called Mr. and to give, be forced to give certain honorifics. And some, some of the reverse ones, um, You know, This idea that black people. would try to gain a certain amount of prestige by entering the military, for instance, and it would actually cause a backlash amongst white people because of how indignant it made them feel to need to, um, to give someone who had military service some sort of honor.

It was absolutely, um, horrific. Some of the things that happened to people who were coming home from Theaters overseas wearing their uniforms, um, because there was this culture that was created, not just the laws, but the ways in which black and white people were forced to address each other by culture that ingrained a certain attitude of white supremacy.

And even though we're not forced to engage in those sorts of behaviors anymore, um, it feels as though, um, They have reverberations through our culture even now. And, um, one of those just happens to be sort of the denigration of anything black, right? Um, anything that is associated with the black community is almost immediately considered less cultured.

And that isn't to say that there's plenty of things that deserve the term ghetto. Um, But it just sometimes you have to think about it that the reason why they're put into that separate category is because they're mostly associated with black people. Because I would say in some cases, some of the same behaviors, you know, engaged in by poor white people would not have the same level of disdain, even if they were not accepted, they would not be um, denigrated, or reviled, or even, you know, considered repulsive or, um, in deserving of some sort of correction, you know, the idea that something, that there's a right way to say something is understandable because it needs to be understood by people.

Right. But there are these extra rules on top of that, when it comes to language, that I think. are remnants of white supremacy and it gets into the idea of what sort of methods of control exist beyond our conscious awareness and I think things like that with race really resonates with me and I'm going to investigate that more as I continue to read Happy City.

So I'm going to In this now, I'm going to try to do 10 minutes after each passage of the book. I'm going to try to do a minimum of 20 minutes, um, on my next read. Um, let me see. I was going to see what my next read is.

All right. My next read is going to be, um, the pig that, uh, wants to be eaten. And that's, it's going to be part, uh, Part three. So I think I'm on the 18th, um, of 100 different mind, um, thought experiments for philosophy. And this is something actually I, I have enjoyed quite a bit, although, um, I need to discuss a few of these in my next video.

So I'm going to get to that. 

  So recently, I've had the pleasure of being able to join a library app on my phone. And I've been starting to read a lot of things in philosophy and sociology. And I ran across this video on TikTok resonated with some of the things that I've been reading about. So let me play the video here and I'll talk about it.



 As a sociologist, I spend a lot of time thinking about Why, after the Emancipation Proclamation, formerly enslaved people did not pick up their shit and leave this country. It's Stockholm Syndrome. If we have any chance of healing, it is going to require us to accept there is a portion of an abused person that seeks the approval of their abuser because you subconsciously connect their approval with your safety.

And because white supremacy does such a good job of blurring lines, where the vitriol of white supremacy hides really well behind what we call culture. So for many of us, this is subconscious that we don't realize that a lot of what we are trying to assimilate ourselves into is white supremacy. It's not classiness.

It's not how an educated person acts. It's not ghetto. Oftentimes when I say this, people push back and say, so black people can't be classy. Black people can't be educated. And I'm so, cause you're right there. You're right there, right? But somehow you're still missing it. Who gave you those definitions?

That is my only beef. If you want us to be a people of excellence, great, but how do you define that excellence? Cause it can't be by the same standards they define it by. We already know that their definitions and their standards are flawed. The way you perceive the type of person you should date is absolutely driven by the standards of your oppressors.

The way that you perceive success is driven by the standards of your oppressor. The way that you parent is driven by the standards of your oppressors. The way you perceive what makes a black person good or valuable, right? The things that you strive to be. So much of that is rooted in the fear that our ancestors held in their bodies and their souls.

About being found out or seen by white people and being perceived as not of any value and therefore disposable. So a lot of times we shrink, we soften our voices, we dim our brightness, we deny our brilliance. Because we think on some level that it will keep us safe. We think that if we are wealthy too, that it will keep us safe.

That it will stop them from seeing us as being black and allow them to see us as equals. I'm telling you as a person, an observer of our culture, a carrier of our culture, a studier of our culture, that there is a portion of us that is not allowing us to evolve out of the white supremacy that we hate so much because we can't admit that we got got, that we were brainwashed, that we weren't influenced by them, that we do align ourselves with standards, that we just accept this culture when in reality all it is is anti blackness, that we feel uncomfortable when we hear words like ghetto.

We feel uncomfortable when we hear these things in the presence of white people because we think that it's somehow bringing shame to our culture. We have to start admitting this and then unpacking it. We are doing ourselves a disservice by pretending and behaving as if we are not influenced and impacted by the culture of nothingness that white supremacy has created.

 So one of the things that definitely resonated with me is the idea that sometimes the way culture influences our behavior happens at a level that is subconscious. A lot of times it is in a way that gets, um, colors what we believe is normal, colors what we believe is good, what is right, what is wrong.

And oftentimes we don't even question where those ideas came from. And I think one of the best ways of learning and maybe questioning, um, where they came from is to study history and, you know, to think about why people thought this was the way to behave and to not behave.

And this makes a lot of sense because We have to have a false sense of separation between other people and ourselves in order to have an identity to have a, a sense of self. Oftentimes when we have absorbed the ideas of others, um, we just acknowledge them as ours and we really don't face it back to where they came from.

And this is in order for us to make plans, be a successful organism, right? Um, our egos are constantly trying to say what is us and what is them. And the of course, I guess in a real sense, there is no us and them. It's just everything. You know, everything is everything. And yet, in order to move through the world to be successful to strive and survive, uh, we have to separate ourselves into us and them.

and to, you know, scrap to survive, you know. Um, but the thing is a lot of ways in which society works is, uh, one group trying to control another group. And, and sometimes we can do that through laws. We can have it in very external ways, like in terms of segregation, you can talk about, you know, separate and unequal facilities for black and white people.

That's very cleared and defined, um, ways of enforcing my supremacy. But I think the ones that are much more subtle or the ones that were not legal mores, but just, um, social norms. And some of them are really, really weird, you know? So, okay. Some of them are pretty obvious, like how we address one another.

Um, it was a normal practice that white people would never address black people as sir or ma'am. Um, they were addressed by their first name and, um, and sometimes in order to save face, black people would call each other by their first name too and just say, Miss first name, you know, for Miss Mary or something like that.

It was kind of a way of saving face, you know, normalizing something that was clear signs of disrespect. And in the reverse was also, um, enforced in the sense that white people, even children, were to be addressed as miss or ma'am or, um, mister, madam, you know, and, you know, I think the most obvious. Um, like absurdity is when you're obsessing, you know, addressing a child as Mr.

So and so, um, and you're addressed by your first name. But I think some of those things went even deeper, um, when it was things about, um, the idea of dirtiness and blackness, you know. Um, this is one of those things that, like, seeps into our hygiene habits even to this day. So it was, um, something that comes up on social media a lot is the idea that dermatologists recommend that we shower around three times a week.

And if you ask a black person how many times you shower and you don't say every day, They will think you're disgusting. They will think you're gross and say, I can't believe that's, uh, that you would do something like that. Um, and what we've discovered because of these practices that black people tend to shower more than white people.

Um, and it's probably because of this innately internalized idea of blackness as, as filthy and disgusting. Um, We have higher rates of eczema and, uh, skin diseases which are caused by over washing. Like removing layers of skin, scrubbing our skin in ways that are, that are detrimental, right? And unnecessary.

And I can understand the idea of wanting to be clean and wanting to smell good, you know. Um, but often times these things are taken for granted. to a different level, right? Where it's actually causing injury, right? And you have to ask yourself why, um, or at least I do. And I think it clearly goes back to this sort of, uh, subliminal messaging that blackness was, uh, aligned with disease and, uh, filthiness, right?

So like when, for instance, uh, public pools were integrated. You know, just a black person getting in the water made the water contaminated to white people, like in their minds it was contaminated. Or the idea of a black person sitting on a, uh, a toilet seat that a white person was going to use. It was not to be used again.

Or in public accommodations, for instance, where black people were served at restaurants, um, where white people attended. It was a common practice for, um, The restaurant to throw away the silverware or to segregate silverware and plates for black and white customers because they just felt they were contaminated, um, whether or not they were wasn't even really a consideration because in the collective consciousness of white people, it was contaminated, right?

It didn't really matter what the facts of the case were. It was a belief that people carried. Like in their bones, because the idea of cleanliness has its roots in physical, you know, processes, but it really is just a state of mind, right? Is this disgusting? Or is this not? And somewhere along the way, black people have internalized the idea that we are filthy.

And of course, if you ask anyone that, they would never admit to it. It's not true. You know, like, what are you talking about? I just want to be clean. But yeah, no, it is there. And another one that comes to mind, I thought of was when I was in school, you know, I had a teacher who insisted on every answer being yes, ma'am, or no, ma'am, and getting in trouble, because we did not address this woman that in that way.

And at the time, I just thought, okay, this is a Southern thing, you know, I, um, something that I'd never really associated with white supremacy, but years later, it just did dawn on me that this was so offensive to her because of her upbringing in the South, you know, and because of her expectation of deference and, you know, I, I thought it was maybe an age thing.

I'm sure it is, but. I'm pretty sure it's a race thing as well. And I think there's also another instance in which, because of the way that we separate ourselves from our environment and away from the influences on our behavior, um, it also is a contributing factor to, um, what we need to have as a sense of free will.

You know, um, when we separate ourselves from the influences of others, it gives us agency. It gives us a sense of mastery over our own decisions. But frequently we actually understand that, you know, when we look back and we think that we could have made a different decision, if all of the inputs were the same, the, the blind spots are the inputs themselves.

We really don't actually contemplate the inputs as we're making the decision. Um, and sometimes we believe that when we decide to do something, that is the cause of our actions. When in reality very well could be that whatever internal processes in our brain and in our bodies happen, the actions and the thoughts, you know, arise because of a common physical process, and that the thoughts are not actually causing us to make a decision, that the decision is being made, and the thoughts and the actions arise together.

You know, this is like one of the very core tenants of causality that, you know, in order for us to move through the world, we need to have we create causality. Oftentimes, where there is where a lot of superstitions come from, right? Like, We need causality to protect ourselves from dangers that we might not understand.

And in that same way, we create causality between our thoughts and our decisions, you know, when in a lot of ways, there are a lot of these inputs, our society, our, our temperament, you know, our culture, make our decisions. And we think about them as we make the decisions, you know, the causal decisions. And so, yeah, I mean, we have choices.

Absolutely. But it is, it's very complicated. The idea of free will, right? And it's fascinating to think about some of these things. I'm reading a book called Happy City. It is getting into, like, the way that cities themselves influence our behaviors and our happiness. And You know, in some of the sort of subliminal ways in which, you know, the way that we interact with the public influences our thoughts about how safe we are in a certain place, for instance.

Um, and, you know, the sense of safety is not going to be determined by crime statistics so much as, you know, the way that you interact with people on the street, you know, and the things that you see around you. And, you know, that contributes to your overall sense of well being. And yet we think we're just observing our environment when our environment is actually influencing what we think about it.

Um, yeah, I don't know. It's a, it's a lot of things to consider. And I, uh, really in, in looking forward to diving more into, uh, free will environments and how our. How our decisions and, um, thoughts are influenced by the culture and the environments that we find ourselves in. 

  



 I have a topic about whether or not holding a secret crush is appropriate if you're getting into another relationship. And I, first of all, got this idea from a book that I just recently finished called Funny Story. It was about a woman who, on her way to getting married to a man, uh, he declares his love for his best friend and she has a week to move out of their shared apartment.

And she's in a new city that she doesn't really know. And the only person she can find to roommate with is with the ex boyfriend of the best friend. So she ends up moving in with him. And of course they sort of avoid each other because both of them are dealing with a devastating breakup. You know, and the irony of this situation is that each of their exes are now together with each other.

And at some point in the story, each of them gets an RSVP to their wedding. And they just flip out like, how is this, uh, you know, the ex boyfriend was like, I've been trying to marry this woman for three years. She breaks up with me and a few months later is marrying her best friend. And, you know, in the other case, um, you know, they were on their way to getting married, but is now.

marrying someone else. And they devise a plan to make their exes jealous by getting together, you know, full getting together. And it's a romantic comedy. So you know, by the end of the book that they are going to end up together. But what's interesting about the journey to that place is how they justify sort of the recurring patterns that people have in their lives.

And sort of almost a philosophy of love and romantic attraction, like what, what makes a good couple, you know, the complementarity of certain traits and things like that. And, um, yeah, just fascinating. And the idea that, you know, is it possible for you to hold on to a crush for years and be with someone else came up again, um, in this TikTok video, which I'm going to play for you right here.

 So I just saw this video from a woman who asked her soon to be ex husband, how exactly did you reconnect with the woman that you had an affair with? And he says, it was her birthday. So I texted her and wished her happy birthday. And she was like, how did you remember her birthday from like almost eight years ago?

Like you don't even remember your own son's birthday. And he was like, I don't know. I just, I just remembered it. And it reminded me of the video that I did maybe a year and a half ago, where this man was being interviewed, man on the street style. And the interviewer asked him, you know, was he with the love of his life?

And he said, I have a lover and then I have love interests. The one that I want is not available. So I have to occupy my time dealing with women that I'm not interested in that much. And the interviewer said, do these women know that you're just dating them in the meantime? And he was like, No. Men will absolutely marry you, have kids with you, spend years with you, all while they're waiting on the woman that they actually want to become available.

That woman was special to him and he knew that. He knew that when he had that kid with you. He knew that when he married you. And the only reason why he's with you is because she probably wouldn't take him or the timing wasn't right for them back then. But he Always knew that he was going to spin the block.

I don't think it's crazy if you're dating these men to ask them, is there any woman on this planet that if she ever gave you another chance, you would take it. Now he may or may not tell you the truth, but I would much rather say he lied to me than to say I never asked.

So,  I think there is this idea that one can hold a flame or hold a torch for someone for years. Uh, I don't think it's just, uh, men because like in this case, uh, uh, a woman was doing the same thing for her best friend and, you know, him getting married. Sort of called the question like, you know, it's speak now or forever.

Hold your peace. And she was like, I can't hold this any longer. Um, and pull the pull the plug on it, you know? Um, and how fair is that to your partner? Right? Um, and I guess the other question is how fair is it for you to ask if you happen to have a relationship with someone? You know, one who got away a lingering flame for someone who, um, that you can no longer be with.

For me, I think that I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic in the sense that I feel like there are people who you have those feelings for. Um, and then at some point you realize that love is not the answer. a dream. It is a daily grind. It is a reality that requires more than just feelings. It requires a situation for it to take place.

You know, um, you know, in our, in our minds, they exist in this vacuum, you know, without the outside pressures of life to call the question, you know, because I think, um, how you get there matters. You know, if you've been holding a a crush for somebody for 20 years, uh, I think there's going to be a lot of pent up resentments, a lot of, um, fantasies that can't be fulfilled,

a lot of built up pressure that I think can't be safely, um, diffused. And so, um, I mean, it's a neat idea, I guess, but I'm just saying this is also a good way to like, blow up your life. Um, you know, in the video, I think the person who, um, clearly was holding a flame for an ex that they cheated on their partner with once before, you know, um, has a certain level of immaturity there, right?

Because I think there's this idea that, um, a true romantic believes in the idea that love is something that takes over you, that you, um, that it motivates you in such a way that you are overcome with feelings that dictate your actions. And to a certain degree, this is true. But it's also true that you get to dictate how those feelings incubate within yourself, right?

You can cut that shit off if you need to, right? Like, if you have a relationship that you're happy in and this person is, who, uh, has shown their dedication to you, you can, you know, remove this person's picture from any library you have, remove their numbers from your phone. You know, you may remember their birthday when it comes around and, you know, say a toast to them and to your previous crushes.

I mean, I think that's fine. Um, a life that never happened, you know, um,

there's no reason to throw away your memories, obviously, but I think in order to lead the life that you want to lead, um, Putting some distance between you and those feelings is something that you can intentionally do. Um, you don't have to be overcome with those feelings. And so, like, in this case, the guy making a call to their ex on their birthday was intentionally lowering the walls between those feelings and this person.

Um, they may have been intentionally doing this to get back with them, but I think in some cases it could be. unintentional, like, somewhat innocent. They're telling themselves in an innocent way. I'm just wishing them a happy birthday. But the reality is, you're opening the door to blowing up your own life.

And clearly, that's what happened to this person. And now they've been made fun of on the internet, and that shit never dies. But yeah, it is an interesting concept. I wonder what the guys are going to say about it. I'm going to bring this up on the live stream. The first one of the year, um, that I'm going to be holding on Wednesday, so, uh, it'll be interesting to see what they say.  

  📍 All right, and that will do it for this episode. This is episode 74. So getting up there in the first episode of 2025. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I took a break just at the end of the year. If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave us a comment or a rating on your favorite podcatcher.

And if you would really like to support Mail Media Mind, become a patron. Go to patreon. com slash mail media mind. You'll get access to this podcast as a video early, as well as access to our after shows on our live streams. And we have groups on Telegram and Discord. Again, thank you for listening, and I'll catch you in the next episode.

Peace.