Comfort, Lies, and Revelations

In this episode of the M3 Bearcast, Malcolm Traverse and his panel delve into the psychological weight of truth, the high cost of personal calling, and the systemic exploitation within the American prison and detention systems.

Chapter 1: The Price of Comfort vs. The Cost of Calling

The episode opens with a profound reflection on the seduction of comfort. Malcolm and the speakers discuss how staying in a routine is "cheap" because it requires no sacrifice or risk. However, pursuing a "calling" is expensive—it demands you bet on yourself before the odds are clear. Choosing comfort over growth ultimately costs a person their potential, which is the highest price of all.

Chapter 2: Integrating the Shadow: The Allure of the Villain

The panel explores a "villain origin story" journaling challenge designed to help people integrate their "shadow side." They discuss why certain villains resonate with them:

• Malcolm relates to Hannibal Lecter for his terrifying intelligence and the way he makes himself indispensable.
• Greg chooses The Talented Mr. Ripley for his smoothness and lack of remorse.
• Swag highlights Killmonger from Black Panther, sympathizing with his motives for looking out for his people.
• Other mentions include Miranda Priestly (The Devil Wears Prada) for her uncompromising nature and Magneto for his "fed up" attitude toward humanity.

Chapter 3: Capitalism and the Prison-Industrial Complex

The conversation shifts to a systemic critique of how private prisons and immigration detention centers operate. The panel discusses the "insidious" nature of financial incentives in incarceration. They argue that as crime rates have dropped, the system has shifted toward exploiting immigrant labor for "a dollar a day," suggesting that American capitalism often struggles to function without a form of exploited or slave labor.

Chapter 4: Connection as Technology

Malcolm reflects on the ancient "technology" of human connection, specifically singing in unison. He notes that in a world dominated by "cold information" (texting and digital data), we are losing "warm information"—the non-verbal cues, shared histories, and resonance found in physical proximity.

Chapter 5: Self-Care as a Prerequisite for Activism

The panel addresses a viral video regarding neurodivergent people and "savior complexes." The takeaway is that you cannot lead a movement for freedom if you are internally bound by trauma and dysregulation. The speaker poses the blunt but necessary question: "Have you eaten today?"—reminding listeners that self-care is paramount before trying to save a "fucked up" world.

Chapter 6: The Comfort of the Lie

One of the most emotional segments involves a story of a mother who denied her daughter’s abuse because the truth would require her to change her entire life (her housing, her finances, and her relationships). The panel concludes that many people choose the lie because it offers "better amenities" and absolves them of the responsibility to act or change.

Chapter 7: The Myth of "Just Be Yourself"

The speakers dismantle the common advice to "just be yourself" in professional spaces. They argue this is a privilege held by those whose identities already match the "norm." For Black men and women, "being yourself" often requires being strategic and measured to avoid being labeled as "aggressive" or "threatening" when simply showing passion.

Chapter 8: Existential Crises and Rebuilding

The final chapter focuses on "The Awakening"—the painful process of having your entire reality (faith, politics, country) shattered later in life. The panel encourages listeners to lean into the g

Transcript

 M3 Bearcast Ep 91 Comfort, Lies, and Revelations

M3 Bearcast Ep 91 Comfort, Lies, and Revelations

Speaker 37: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the M three Bear Cast. My name is Malcolm Traverse. Male Media Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting and unifying our community through dialogue, insight, creativity, and knowledge. And on this podcast, I summarize some of the more salient topics from my live stream on Wednesday on YouTube.

And those are videos that I play from TikTok and Instagram. Around communication, relationships, spirituality and self-development, and my panel of Greg Devon and swag comment on some of these topics and I go into more detail.

We talk about everything from our favorite villains to.

What it looks like to lose your religion. Why? Sometimes it's difficult for people to accept the truth. Why lies can be more comforting, because it'll.

Why lies can be more comforting because it, it absolves you of any responsibility that is difficult for you to handle.

[00:01:00] We talk about how self care comes before activism and why some people who are triggered by the news need to take care of themselves first before they decide to. Become activists.

That and many more topics on this episode of the M three Bear Cast. Alright, here we go.

And that'll do it for this episode. I'm so happy that you made it this far. And if you,

Speaker 8: Comfort is cheap. It costs nothing to stay where you are. Come on. Black Jesus costs nothing to keep the same routine, the same job, the same safe choices. Comfort literally asks you for nothing. There's no risk, no sacrifice, no sleepless late nights of wondering if you made the right call. But calling.

Calling is pricey. Calling is expensive. It demands everything. Comfort protects you from it asks that you bet on yourself before the odds are clear. You take the harder path, even if the easy one is right in front of you. [00:02:00] To disappoint people who want to see you stay small and safe. So by design, most people choose comfort because comfort is cheaper.

But the most terrifying thing is how comfort costs you in a different currency in time, in potential, in the possibility of the person you could have been. And in the end, that price. It's the highest one you'll ever pay. 

Speaker 2: Thank you. Black Jesus.

Speaker: Yeah, he's cool. He's also one of those people as a Nigerian parents, Americans with Nigerian parents, and he has some really funny skits about that.

Speaker 12: He's been doing a villain origin story [00:03:00] challenge. This is a guided journaling challenge that I've been doing on my page, and the point is to help you integrate your shadow side. So here's what I'm curious about. Tell me about a villain in a story or movie or book that you low key related to.

And I wanna know why I'll share mine. There's this movie called I Care A Lot. The main character on the show is basically, she's legitimately a scam artist. I'll tell you why I like that character, even though she was a scam artist and I don't condone scamming, it was refreshing to see a female character on TV doing what the fuck she wanted to do, not being likable, not being acceptable, the fact that it was shocking to see a methodical and poorly behaved female character.

Portrayed on a show gave me a lot to think about relative to behavioral expectations of women. Now confess, I wanna know who your villains are. 

Speaker 2: Ooh, [00:04:00] pick me. Pick me. 

Speaker: Yeah, go ahead. 

Speaker 2: Ma is the talented Mr. Ripley. 

Speaker: Yes. 

Speaker 2: Everybody, everybody knows me intimately, knows that that is my villain.

That nigga was smooth and did not give two fucks who he killed. And it was, he was so kind when he murdered Jew law's character just kind. Mm-hmm. Said, now what I do such a thing like that. He's obviously lying. Oh my God. The book is even more fabulous than the movie, but the tongues of Mr. Rips. 

Speaker: Yeah.

So I, yeah. 'cause I think we talked about this one time I think mine was collect. 

Speaker 2: Yep. You said, and that scared the shit outta me. I have to watch you. 

Speaker: Yeah. But I mean, Hannibal Lecter, the reason why is that he was the smartest person in the room 

Speaker 2: in the world. 

Speaker: Pretty much Yeah.

Speaker 2: No match. 

Speaker: And of course, like part of the the dance that he and Clarice were on was also using Clarice to [00:05:00] get to the warden of the prison, you know, to get the perks that he wanted. 

Speaker 2: Right. 

Speaker: You know, he needed someone who was. 

Speaker 2: Credible. 

Speaker: Basically that he needed to be needed, he needed to worm his way into her investigation to get him privileges, which he ultimately used to escape the prison.

And yet the same time he was a credible therapist to Clarice. 

Speaker 2: Now Sammy says his villain was Cruella Deville. I, I would see, well, for Sammy, I would think some more like the Joker 'cause of the sense of humor with, with the, with the evilness. Interesting. 

Speaker: Well, I mean, like in the more recent Cruella, they basically base it off of yeah, was it The Devil Wears Prada, and I would definitely put her as a, a villain.

Miranda Priestley. 

Speaker 5: Yeah, 

Speaker: Miranda would definitely be among my favorite 

Speaker 2: villain. So, wait, America wants to know Swag. Who is your favorite villain? Or [00:06:00] what villain do you relate to the most? 

Speaker 3: Probably Killmonger from black Panther, because he was a villain, but 

Speaker 5: that's, 

Speaker 3: I understood why he was who he was.

And at the end of the day, it was like he was just looking out for black folk, you know? 

Speaker: And not only that, he legit won, right? Like, yeah. 

Speaker 5: He technically he did not kill Tah. Stop it 

Speaker: all. 

Speaker 5: Him. He was still alive. 

Speaker: He did, he brought him back 

Speaker 5: with the 

Speaker: herb. He, 

Speaker 5: he was still alive.

Otherwise he, if he didn't, he they found him in the snow, in the ice, and they kept him alive that way. So, but didn't he 

Speaker: still win though, 

Speaker 5: No, 

Speaker: he won the fight. 

Speaker 5: No, he, no. 

Speaker: Right. 

Speaker 5: Because it is a trial by combat. And it is a fight. Fight either by yielding or to the death.

And Alah did not die, nor did he yield. I did not yield 

Speaker 2: Malcolm. 

Speaker 5: That's right. No. He did not. He's right. He's right. 

Speaker 2: Let this go. 

Speaker: I 

Speaker 5: guess. 

Speaker: Whatever. 

Speaker 5: I thought he was 

Speaker: dead to your 

Speaker 2: Get back to your little will. You're not gonna win [00:07:00] this 

Speaker 4: one. 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: Hey, 

Speaker: well, who's your villain? 

Speaker 2: Not gonna win.

Yeah. Swag. I mean, think Who's your villain? 

Speaker 4: Ooh, 

Speaker 2: yeah, you talking shit. Who is your 

Speaker: villain? Who's your, 

Speaker 2: I know. 

Speaker 4: I don't even think 

Speaker 5: I have 

Speaker 2: one. 

Speaker: Gotta have 

Speaker 2: As hateful as you could be on Beyonce's internet sometimes.

Speaker: You know you know, 

Speaker 2: day you said something so hateful. I was getting ready to call you. 

Speaker: What, what did I say? What did I say? Does a Batman have like the best rose gallery? Like does 

Speaker 5: he, 

Speaker: does Just pick a word. 

Speaker 5: If I choose my favorite villain out of the Batman, bro, his gallery, it'd probably be the Ridler.

Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah, the Ridler is a good one. I like smart villain. 

Speaker: Yeah. That's true. 

Speaker 2: I like villains who, you know killed Marga one until they found him. He was still alive. So technically in the moment he did win.

Speaker: Oh, misery. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: [00:08:00] Yeah, that's a great one. She killed that. 

Speaker 2: She was, I like villains with duality. Is she sweet? 

Speaker: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker: Or even 

Speaker 2: Mr. Collins. Yeah. Annie was, she was. She was scary. She was scary. 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: Somebody here in the villain, in, in my street team says Pennywise. 

Speaker: My gosh.

Yikes. 

Speaker 2: Manto. His attitude is, you fucked with me. 

Speaker 5: Okay. Yeah. That's, you know what, yeah. I would definitely do. Yeah. There we go. Yes. I would definitely be, 

Speaker 4: Magneto is 

Speaker 5: really good Magneto because the way people be acting sometimes I just be like, y'all lucky I don't have that, that power. 

Speaker 3: Especially, especially Bo de Mayo's version of Magneto, you know?

Right. Strung up on that cross with the Speedo on. 

Speaker: Not only that seems like sympathetic. 

Speaker 2: I think we skipped this. 

Speaker: Do you all deserve to die? 

Speaker 2: I think we, but Mr. Taylor said Miranda. Awesome. Go ahead. Wrote number seven, said Miranda 

Speaker 3: is awesome. 

Speaker 2: Awesome. 

Speaker: Oh yeah. Miranda Priestley.

Yeah. [00:09:00] I can't wait for the sequel 'cause I, I didn't realize that there is a series of books. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Series books. 

Speaker 15: The same people that own private prisons in the United States own these immigration detention centers. Let me repeat. The same people that privately owned prisons, also privately owned these immigration detention centers. There is another insidious aspect to these immigration crackdowns.

Crime has gone down in the United States specifically black crime. Black crime has been going down in the United States for the last 10 to 15 years. Without black crime, you cannot fill up these private prisons. You cannot fill up these private prisons.

These owners of these private prisons cannot make their money. Not only that, but other companies use private prison workforce to pay these prisoners a dollar a day to work at these companies and corporations. Well, if you can't fill up the private prisons for these companies to pay these prisons so that their workforce can work for these corporations and companies, what are they doing now?

Well, apparently they [00:10:00] are using immigrants that have been detained in these private. Immigration detention centers to work for these companies for a dollar a fucking day. America does not know how to function without slave labor. America does not know how to function without exploitation and slave labor, capitalism is exploitation of everybody else except for the elites.

Because if you don't have any capital, you are not a capitalist. And I also wanna add, they wanted to mass arrest black Americans. That's why they keep trying to bait us into the fucking streets. If you mass arrest us, throw us into these detention centers or these prisons, here you go. Slave labor all over again.

Wage slavery is not enough for these elites. They need to exploit every single group and community in this country, including poor white folks and middle class white folks. 'cause right now, middle class white folks is disappearing quick as hell. 

Speaker: Yeah, she 

Speaker 2: say that she, 

Speaker: Yeah, she's absolutely right. And this is one of those ones that can sometimes sound like a conspiracy theory, but it's absolutely true. It's 

Speaker 2: absolutely true. 

Speaker: [00:11:00] So like one of the cons, the sounding like a conspiracy theory is that, you know, incentives drive behavior, right? And so if there is a company that's making money from imprisoning people, what happens when the crime rate goes down and the population in these prisons goes down, they make less money.

Right? 

Speaker 4: Right. 

Speaker: And that is what's been happening over about the last almost 30 years, but precipitously. It since about 20 12, 20 13, somewhere around there, after we came out of the economic you know, downfall of 2008, we have seen a constant reduction in crime. You know, basically the recidivism rate dropped tremendously.

Reform programs were working, like cities were actually implementing, like education reform, job reform. And so it's ironic that there's, their success becomes a problem because that's what you've been trying to do all this time. [00:12:00] It's like when you have said that you wanna bring down crime, but bringing down crime actually hurts your donors.

Unfortunately, everybody likes to make money, say, like, there you, so it is, it's, it's just one of those things where there are certain things that should not have a financial incentive. And prisons are one of those things.

Healthcare another one, like, we should not make healthcare. You know, you shouldn't, it, there shouldn't be a moral quandary in solving sickness and making people healthy. That is very, it shouldn't cause to be something like, okay, if we do this thing, see like the idea of Ozempic for instance. It's, one of these things where it's like, oh my God, we might lose 40% of our patients due to, you know, people's just reducing weight and reductions in certain forms of illness.

Speaker 2: So we make, 

Speaker: what are we gonna do? Like they gotta do something. [00:13:00] We, so they actually are trying to make food that, you know, bypasses the GLP one drugs 

Speaker 2: that 

is 

Speaker 2: That is very insidious. 

Speaker: Follow the incentives, follow the money. 

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker: You know? 

Speaker 4: Oh yeah. 

Speaker: That's what capitalism is. It's a mechanism to get people to be incentivized to behave a certain way. Don't start to ignore the incentives when they don't start doing things that are immoral. Right. 

Speaker 2: Right. Exactly. 

Speaker: Because they, if they work for our benefit, they will also work for our detriment.

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: Because they are moral neutral. They just get you to behave. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. The leopards ate, ate their face. This is one of those things, for you didn't think it could happen to you, but it did. 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: Leopard.

Speaker 4: Yeah.

\ 

Speaker 19: The best way we can alleviate our stress, our tension, our despair, our anxiety, our angst comes from being with people. [00:14:00] One person doesn't have to be people in the plural.

This time of year I've been going to places where I watch people sing together, and it is an incredible thing because the resonance of unison of voices that come together is probably one of the, first of all, the more ancient and connective technologies that we have ever developed. You do not need to know the person next to you.

You do not need to speak the same language as the person next to you. You just have to hum with them, and you meet at the level of resonance that is. Talk about distressing. It's really, really significant, comes from our connection to other human beings, and more importantly, it's not always a verbal connection.

And these days, since we have been texting nonstop, on the one hand, people have never written as much as they do today. On the other hand, we are only relying on words when this happens. There's a whole contextual way that we communicate with each other that has to do with [00:15:00] shared understandings and shared histories and nonverbal cues and body language and, you know, deep context that gives meaning to communication.

We're primarily dealing with what is called cold information, not warm information. 

Speaker: Yeah. I was talking about this with somebody that I mean, outside of church there are very few like social gatherings where you sing together, you know, we were kind of talking about this idea of like, you know, being part of bands or orchestras, music group activities like that, or highly you know, restorative and socially mm-hmm.

Speaker 20: A lot of neurodivergent people want to save the world because they have not figured out how to save themselves. But you cannot have a revolution. You cannot lead nobody to freedom while you are still bound. And when I say bound, I mean you have to understand how to be able to tap into your body.

You have to be able to understand how to regulate yourself. You have to be able to [00:16:00] understand how to live in a 3D world. And when I say live in a 3D world, I mean outside of your head. You have to be able to move all the idealistic standards that you have about what the world should be, and be able to actually embody what it is so that you can realize what your gifts are, so you can contribute them in a way that will move society forward.

I see so many comments from people that tell me, well, who is benefiting from my silence? Who is gonna speak up if nobody else does? Who is going to say the thing? I have this keen sense of justice. I just have to say it. And sometimes I have to ask them, have you been eaten today?

And I don't mean that to be funny. I mean that because I have gone through the challenges of trying to save systems, people situations at my own demise. How am I gonna lead somebody when I am not even fed? I'm not well taken care of when I'm dysregulated all of the time. If I am fucked up and I'm leading a movement, I'm going to lead a fucked up movement.

Speaker 15: You do. 

Speaker 20: You have to [00:17:00] get back into your body. You have to figure out how to regulate yourself. Because for me, neurodivergent people, gifted people, whatever, right? We have gone through so much trauma.

You can't do this shit unless you help yourself first. Now, back to my stem dance test. 

Speaker 3: I'm not quite sure what she meant, what you said. Have you been eating?

I'm like, girl, where are you going with this? Right.

Speaker: So I I I get it though. Basically, there are people who, like myself who get really bent outta shape by what they see in the news and everything. 

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker: And they, they drive themselves ragged, you know, coming up with ideas of like, you know, activism or movements or community.

To gatherings and things like this. Mm-hmm. And when someone comes at her with that sort of behavior, there's like, you know, you know, with all this energy and you know, a lot of that comes from the feeling of being traumatized or whatever. And the question she ask is like, have you, [00:18:00] are you taking care of yourself?

Have you eaten? Is just like a stand in. Are you sleeping? Are you eating right? You know, have you, 

Speaker 2: yeah. 

Speaker: Done the things to take care of yourself before you go out and try to save the world. Because you know, the way that you see in your mind, the way the world ought to be is just a projection of some problems within yourself.

Right. The world is the way that it is, you know, and part of the the the trauma comes from the shattering of the illusion of what you thought the world was or what it should be. 

Speaker 2: Right. 

Speaker: And I think people who are sensitive, I'll just use that word have to take care of themselves before they try to go save the world.

'cause like you're saying, you're going make it a fucked up movement if you are not yourself taken care of. 

Speaker 3: Right. 

Speaker: And you the only one who can take care of you. 

Speaker 3: Alright. True.

Mr. Deon says she speaks that self-care is paramount. 

Speaker: Okay, let's see here. Great. Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 21: Over the years, I have been privy to [00:19:00] all kinds of stories of trauma and survival.

And I remember this one young lady in particular who had experienced abuse from a family member when she was younger, and she buried it in shame. And after a number of years of healing and and growth, she finally worked up the courage to tell her mother what had happened to her. And her mother said, that's not true.

She just flat out denied it. And her daughter was shocked that she was like, why don't you believe me? And they were going back and forth and things were escalating. And her mother said, because if that's true, I need to find a new place to live. Who do you think pays for this house? Who do you think helped put you through college?

So that can't be true. And this woman was understandably devastated. [00:20:00] But what sticks out to me in this hour is that her mother needed the lie because it served her better than the truth. Because truth requires conviction and courage. Truth requires a change in behavior, a changed nature. Truth comes with responsibility to act, to do.

But if there's a palatable alternative, you don't have to do any of that. As long as there is a different interpretation, a different spin, a different way to look at it. You don't have to be responsible, you don't have to change. You can remain neutral. And as you think about recent events and conversations with family [00:21:00] members and and coworkers and people who see things differently than you do, please know that the lie offers better amenities.

That many of them need the lie because it serves them better than the truth.

Speaker: That's a harsh reality. It was one I needed to hear. 

Speaker 2: That, 

Speaker: if we're not gonna hear the truth from someone when the lie serves them better and you know, that lot connects them to certain people, connects them to certain communities it gives them justification for their bad behavior.

They don't have to confront. All the, the horrible things they've said and done in the past, you know, the lie. Just, we kind of do believe the things we wanna believe. And this is heartbreaking. That story is just 

Speaker 2: poor, poor daughter. I mean, 

Speaker: and so it's [00:22:00] such a common story though. I've heard it a few times.

Oh, it's, it's a very common reaction. If you remember, it was a very similar reaction. Remember in Jennifer Lewis's book? Mm-hmm. Oh that is true. Same thing happened to her when she, her mother eventually came around, but you know, when she first told her mother

Speaker 14: The lie of just be yourself. Every time I post about being strategic at work, when I talk about how to manage up or navigating politics or how to position yourself, inevitably someone shows up in the comments with the same advice. You're just overcomplicating things. Just tell people to be themselves.

I don't even have to look at the profile anymore. I already know because just be yourself is advice from someone who's never had to even think about it. Someone who can walk into a room and have the room adjust to them. They don't calibrate, they don't code switch. They don't watch someone else's [00:23:00] faces to see if their confidence is being received as competence or a threat.

They just exist. Mm-hmm. And that's enough. Must be nice. Now, for the rest of us, we learned early that being yourself comes with a cost. That same behavior that gets one person promoted and get another person pulled into hr, that your tone, your hair, your name, your very presence can become a problem even before you open up your mouth.

I was a vice president of a national company, let the entire l and d function, and I still got reported for holding my ground in a meeting that I was running. And not because I was wrong, but because someone felt uncomfortable. But the black man who did not back down. So no. I was never just myself in those rooms.

I was myself and strategic. Yep. I was myself and measured. I was myself and aware of every signal I was sending because nobody was gonna give me the benefit of the doubt. And here's what I need you to understand. That is not weakness, that was not [00:24:00] being fake. That's knowing the difference between the world as it should be and the world as it is.

Just be yourself is a privilege disguised as advice. And it never sat well with me. And that is because it was never written for me. So the next time somebody tells you to just be yourself, ask yourself one question. Are they giving you advice or are they just describing what it's like to be them? So yes, be yourself, but don't be naive about it.

Know the room, know who's watching, and know that your excellence alone won't protect you or your strategy. Your strategy will, so that you can get in a position where you can actually start changing how the rooms work from the inside. Just that the people coming up behind you don't have to play the same games that we had to.

Speaker 3: Damn. 

Speaker: Yeah. That hit too. Have I hear some amens fire it on 

Speaker 3: all cylinders tonight. I feel like I'm building. 

Speaker: Does anyone have any testimony to give? Because I heard some amens [00:25:00] in the audio 

Speaker 3: pass the question 

Speaker 5: plate. 

Speaker: Yeah, 

Speaker 3: I've had this discussion at work me and our good friend Joe, you know, that like, as black men, you know, we can walk into a room and we can lead a meeting in something and we can be very passionate about what we're talking about. And it comes across as we're being threatening, we're being aggressive.

Mm-hmm. Why are you so angry? Why are you yelling and all this other kind of stuff? But when our white counterparts do it, it's seen as, as, oh, they're just passionate. You know, they have a love for what they do, and they're just very passionate about what it is they're doing. It's like, well, so am I.

Well, no, you're just aggressive. 

But, 

Speaker 3: Yeah. So, yeah, I, I totally get what you coming 

Speaker 5: Mm-hmm. Yeah, bitch, whatever. 

Speaker 3: Funny how that works right there. 

Speaker 2: I was from my passion 

Speaker: yeah. Because 

Speaker 2: a clear person in the room didn't like the way I said it, but you know what I did right? I said, fire me.

Mm-hmm. I said, [00:26:00] just won't my job. And she said it in the email, you know what I mean? So, I mean, you have to be careful as a black person because, especially if you're male,

Speaker 33: Your awakening has been I need help. This is hard.

Everything I believed crumbled everything. My faith in my faith, my faith in my religion, my faith in my country, my faith in my fellow man, it is all shaken to the core. And I'm sitting in a rubble trying to figure out is there anything true? Is there anything to hold onto? And now I can't believe I couldn't see because it is so plain.

I can't believe I didn't see, I'm sorry. That you guys had to carry it alone for so long. 

Speaker 34: I was tagged many times in this video, and this is a woman who's had her entire matrix of reality really shattered and she's kind of asking for advice for people who have been holding this for so long and how did you do it?

And she's speaking as if [00:27:00] people who go through existential crisis earlier are her heroes because they've been carrying this for so long, when really she's a hero because what she did was actually harder. Existential crisis is hard all the way around. It's hard when you're eight or 15 or or 25 or 40, but when you're talking about kind of later in life having an existential crisis, it's actually harder on the brain and the nervous system.

So you having your awakening journey in this stage of life, you're a hero for doing that. It actually doesn't make you, I feel like less than any of the rest of us who started that journey maybe earlier in life. Because when you have an existential crisis in your teens or your twenties, your brain is still highly plastic.

It's used to uncertainty. You're experiencing with narratives, you're experiencing with different identities, and that is normal for the brain to go through in that age. Now, changing your brain and having an awakening journey when your identity is consolidated for decades is actually incredibly difficult.

And you should be [00:28:00] proud of yourself. So you asked for advice and I'll just give you my advice just from hearing your story for a few minutes. My heart really goes out to you. I think it's really beautiful and brave and amazing what you're doing. And don't discount the work that you're doing just because you feel like you're a little older than everyone else, because what you're doing is so much harder.

So my advice is to kind of take this in two chunks and the first thing that's usually the most helpful to do is have a period of grief and mourning. So we're not gonna think about right now what is ultimately true or who am I or how do I rebuild? Let's work on having a funeral for all that you lost.

Really have a chapter dedicated to grief and to anger, and to feeling it and to writing things down, and having a funeral for the you who never got to be or how awful it is to feel like so much of your life was built on a lie and how much you lost. Same as if you experienced a death in the family and you just want to move on.

Like you've gotta go to the funeral [00:29:00] first. You've gotta cry first. You've gotta visit the grave first before you can do, you know, I want to move forward. So I really love that. Not only are you brave enough to take this kind of awakening journey in this stage of life, but that you're being really open about your grief.

And I really commend you for that. And just really lean into the grief and the anger and what you feel like you've lost, and write it out and ritualize it as much as you can, and allow your body to move through those emotions. And then when you feel like some of that has alleviated, maybe the tears aren't as present and you feel like, okay, what now?

That's when we start talking about rebuilding. And we can start reframing this experience as, I'm so grateful that I got to have some chapters in my life where I got to explore who I really am before people told me what I was or what I should be. And this could lead into a very beautiful part of your life, and maybe nothing is true, but we can, at [00:30:00] least from the inside out, start to ask questions about what makes you feel meaning, what makes you feel connected?

What makes you feel awe? What makes you feel like you're glad that you got to experience existence? Who are you underneath these layers of, you know, these performative layers of who you thought you should be? And that's an exciting phase of life. The suffering will still be there.

But there will be beauty too, and deep friendships too, and exciting explorations too. And you're growing big enough to hold all of it. So rather than thinking how have younger people carried this so long, realize that there is kind of a hidden advantage of an early existential crisis.

It gives your brain time to adjust to it and be able to hold all of that, and also the good things of life too. Whereas you are having to go through a lot more cognitive dis disintegration and breakdown because you did have a formed identity. So give yourself some credit. And my hope is in a couple years as some of that grief starts to be less tender, that it will [00:31:00] open up new opportunities and new experiences and new ways of being that you will look back and say, that was really hard, but it was worth it.

And we're all here for you, rooting for you. 

Speaker: We were rooting for you. You know, that's one of the things I, I think we were talking about this grief periods that we go through. It's so tempting to want to get through it and be done with it. But it doesn't help anyone to skip that process of really being angry, of really mourning what's lost, of really not skipping over it, but actually metabolizing it.

I think that's the word I wanna use, like. It is like a fuel that can fuel new discoveries and things, a new chapter in your life, whatever it may be. But to like skip that process means you don't really have the energy, the fuel to really do the work that it's gonna take to rebuild whatever it is this new chapter in your life is gonna be.

'cause I think that's really what a lot of mourning is. Like, you know, what is the [00:32:00] future going to look like? Because Right. Something in your life has changed so drastically that, you know, the future part of your life is not gonna look like what you thought it was gonna be. Right. You know, when I think about grieving a person who means a lot to you the thing that re resonates with me is that this person is such an important part of my life that I don't know what life looks like without them because they are just that important to me.

You know, like if I don't talk to them every day, if I don't see them every weekend, if I don't go over and do whatever we did together, whatever rituals we have, then what does my life look like? You know? And so before I can start to answer that question, I have to just mourn the fact that it's no longer there and really accept it because there's a part of you that's gonna wanna reject that.

Like, you know, I've heard that what is it, grief or. [00:33:00] Regret is wishing you had a different past 

Speaker 2: sometimes, 

Speaker: or, yeah. Like you can't change that. 

Speaker 2: Right. But I tell you, I was listening to a video, but 

Speaker: mm-hmm. 

Speaker 2: I think like, you can't, like there are certain rights of passage when it comes to people not being here, like your them, for your parents.

It's something that is inevitable. You can't get around it. And I mean, when I say you can't get around it, like, it, it sits in the room with you constantly. February 16th, actually swags mama's birthday is the passing of the anniversary of my mother's passing. So bittersweet day. Definitely. You know, the queen?

Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, 

Speaker 2: You know, but you, you think about it and just on that day, I think, gosh, it's been 17 years since I seen my mother. You know what I mean? 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: But I think about my 30 5-year-old self saying I couldn't make it without my mother. 

Speaker: Right.

Speaker 2: [00:34:00] But obviously I've done the work to not get past her, but to live better in that. Now my question about this video is I wonder what her aha was. What I'm, 

Speaker: Yeah. That's a good point. I didn't go into her video. 

Speaker 2: It sounds like because I'm hearing this a lot when people are coming to some kind of, that Trump is a liar or a PDF and this is that very reaction that I 

Speaker: think, so I think there could have been a collapse of her entire belief structure.

Speaker 2: And she said, because she mentioned politics, so 

Speaker: she did mention politics in the country and, you know, her belief in Trump could have stemmed from her religious upbringing. And so her loss of Trump also meant the loss of her religion. 

Speaker 2: But it's when people emerge from that cult, it's their loss of community. They don't [00:35:00] wake up one day and say, you know, Trump's a PDF and a a-hole. It's, I'm no longer speaking to my cousin. And 

Speaker: yeah, we talked about that in earlier in the show about the woman who went to her mother about her abuse, and she was just like, no.

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: She was just refused to believe the truth. And I feel like she brought that story up because she was like, this is kind of how Trump supporters are. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Exactly. 

Speaker: They're just like, Nope, I don't care. I don't care what the files say. 

Speaker 2: Some of them just outright say, I don't, I don't care if he's a PF.

Speaker: Right. 

Speaker 2: And, but I, or 

Speaker: it didn't happen. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Can't 

Speaker: prove it. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. You can't prove it to me is lying. Well, now, I told people like, oh, well he did what he said he was gonna do. Name one. I said, I will become a Trump supporter. If you can name one thing that Trump did that he says, and they can't, they can't ever do it.

That's always, and I always challenged him. If you can [00:36:00] bring me one thing that Trump did, he said he gonna do, other than the government,

You know, even the dastardly things he's trying to do, he can't even do those. Right. And Malcolm and I laugh about this all the time. My biggest fear back in last November of 24 when he allegedly won was my God, now he knows how to do this. We are fucked.

But guess what? He don't, he still does not, he still does not. He still, that dementia or Alzheimer, whatever is eating, his brain has eating to the point of his frontal lobe. He is posting monkey pictures of the former president. You know, he's saying the quiet part out loud. Just gimme 10 billion. You know, right.

Mm-hmm. Right. You know what I mean? And there's nobody around him to, to, to do the bumper guards. So my, I'm getting back to this woman's video. 

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 2: And my question is like, [00:37:00] I just had an epiphany that we are dealing with mentally ill people. 

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. 

Speaker 2: And so my harsh take, oh, fuck 'em. We just don't invite 'em back.

But they, they were duped. They were, they're mentally ill. These are people that, you know, fell for Jim Jones. Did we, did we fault the people that from Uganda when they fell for Jim Jones? Go ahead. 

Speaker: Hmm. I would go back to the video that she had last week was, you know, about forgiveness. I would never prescribe anyone the need to forgive someone like this woman.

But if you want to you know, I think there's a part of me that feels like I would offer them similar advice without ever having to be a part of their lives or say that you're all right or whatever. I can have empathy for your loss of your family and everything, [00:38:00] and recognize that you're experiencing a loss and that you are in some sense, being courageous.

For separating in a way that so many people have refused to. 

Speaker 2: But I ain't gotta fuck with you because, 

Speaker: but I didn't gotta fuck with you because you're still, yeah, because you're still the type of person 

Speaker 2: who 

Speaker: did that shit in the first place and you had plenty of opportunities to not do that shit.

Speaker 2: Now 

Speaker: the, I have to still protect myself from you. 

Speaker 2: Right. But the 

Speaker: question, I can still also be the type of person who has empathy and say like, I understand you're grieving something. And you know, and he took a lot from all of us, right? Because it's not all your fault. Right. A lot of this is the fact that he is a piece of shit who duped a whole bunch of people and, and sold a lot of bullshit to people.

And, you know, I, the anger is more credibly directed at those assholes, not her. [00:39:00] Right? That's how I feel. 

Speaker 2: And so you are absolutely correct.

Speaker 37: and that'll do it for this episode of the M three Bear Cast. If you would consider becoming a patron at patreon.com/male Medium Mind, you can also visit male medium mind live.com. There you'll find links to all of our social media where you can also subscribe and hit the bell button so you'll be notified when we record live.

Again, thank you for listening and I will catch you in the next episode. Piece.